I Am Not A Lesbian, I Am Not A Lesbian, I Am Not A...

The unthinkable happened today...well, actually, it's not so much unthinkable, as it is unnerving. As I was doing a little shopping in the city, I made eye contact with a nice-looking guy with braids. Normally, I don't go for guys who start a conversation with "Hey Ma" (that should have been red flag number one) or who smoke cigarettes (red flag number two), but he had a nice smile so I went along with it. (Or maybe it was a combination of his nice smile and my recent dating dry spell...but that's a little like blaming alcohol for a bad hook-up, so I'll stick to my original reason).

He seemed like a nice enough guy; he was on a smoke break from H & M and thought I was "the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen". Yeah, yeah, I know...points off for lack of originality. His name was Sheron, and I gave him my number because he was nice. As I was getting ready to wrap up the conversation, his coworker came out and said something about him being over his smoke break. Then the coworker turns to me and says, "Would you believe she started smoking just for the breaks?!"

I started feeling hot - and not the good hot either - the kind of hot where your armpits get itchy and you hear the blood rushing in your head. From somewhere, I found my voice. I started blabbering, "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a girl...I really thought you were a guy...I'm straight and I'm not interested in girls...I wouldn't have wasted your time if I thought you were a girl. I'm sorry."

There was a little awkward pause, then she said it was no big deal. "She should have been flattered," my friend told me later. "Do you know how many dykes would love to be mistaken for a man?" Needless to say, I probably will never go into that H & M again.

So later that night after I'd tried to wash away the memory in a glass-which-ended-up-being-an-entire-bottle of wine, I started to wonder if there was any chance that I was a lesbian. Granted, I've never been attracted to a woman before, but my woman's intuition should've picked up that she was a woman. And if it didn't, what does that say about me?

Thank God for good friends. Heather and Leigh - who both enjoyed a good belly laugh at my expense - talked me down off the ledge. It's hard enough finding good, solid men to date in this city. Now, I'll also have to worry whether I'm actually dating a guy. Yes, my friends, another one for the grandchildren....on second thought, maybe the grands don't need to know about "The Day Granny Almost Became A Lesbian". No one (except the millions of people who might read this) needs to know about this one.

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