A Place Of Her Own

The closet Originally uploaded by everyplace.

Michelle, 30ish
Brooklyn, NY

I've been in a casual but exclusive relationship with this guy for a little while. We both have our own places, which is a rare find these days - someone always seems to have a roommate nowadays. Anyway, he lives in Manhattan and I live in Brooklyn, so most of the time, I'll stay over at his house, since it's more convenient for me to get to work. We usually have "sleepovers" 3-4 times a week. The problem is I can't leave any of my stuff there, so I usually end up having to schlep my entire bag of stuff there everytime I'm spending the night. Doesn't leave much room for spontaneity. One time I "accidentally" left a blouse and underwear there and he brought them to me at work!! I mean, I can't even leave a toothbrush there! To add insult to injury, he has an entire drawer at my apartment, and several outfits so he can come by whenever he wants. Am I over-reacting?

Michelle, I think we might be dating the same guy. Seriously. Let's see, how should we tackle this dilemma? First things first: there's no such thing as a "casual exclusive relationship"; it's an oxymoron. (This is one of the reasons you're in this situation - lack of definition).

Secondly, never, let me repeat NEVER play games to find out how your guy feels. Men are simple creatures; they aren't good with hints, directions and shopping for shoes (unless they're gay, and then that's a whole 'nother problem). I used to think it was a ploy to piss women off, but they really and truly are clueless when it comes to the inner workings of the female mind. Instead of trying to see if " Operation Accidental Leftovers" is gonna be successful, I promise you'll get better results if you're direct. Ask him why you can't leave your things at his house, especially if y'all are in this exclusive relationship. He'll say one of a several things:

1. He was absolutely clueless about how you felt, in which case you shouldn't have the same problem from here on in.
2. He's one of those people who have a place for everything, and your stuff at his house throws off his equilibrium. (Believe me, they do exist. My friend Trish is one; I left a pair of my socks at her house once and she must've called me 10 times to pick it up because she didn't have anywhere to keep it.) If that's his rationale, you're either gonna have to deal with it, or move on.
3. You guys are actually not as exclusive as you think you are, and he doesn't let any of the other girls leave their stuff over. I guess I don't need to tell you what to do if he gives response #3.

The bottom line is a lot of us women try to use things like this to gauge where the relationship is going, and it's a bad idea. We like to nest and if it's somebody that we're really into, we like to know we belong. It's not a bad thing, but sometimes you gotta relax and take a step back. I'm not saying empty out his drawer at your apartment, but think about what's more important: you being able to leave your stuff at his house, or the way he feels about you. Dunno about you, but I'd much rather hear "I'm crazy about you" than "Sure, you can use that empty drawer".

Share Your Thoughts or Email me with a question