The One That Got Away

Kristin, 27
Hoboken, NJ

I used to date this guy sophomore year in college. We'd known each other since freshman year, but when we finally got together, it was amazing. He was seriously the best boyfriend I ever had. He ended up having to leave during the middle of the spring semester (his mom was terminally ill) and decided to stay in his hometown and go to school closer to home. We still kept our relationship going, and he told me he wanted me to move in at the end of the semester and finish school there. During the summer I went to visit him I guess kinda for a test run and he was amazing! I don't think I'll ever connect with anyone the way I was with him. I decided that I'd move in with him, but a couple nights later I went out with some friends and I got so anxious about my decision that I got a little drunk and kissed some other guy. One of my "friends" told him, and he said he didn't want to see me anymore. I saw him a year later, and he had a nice girlfriend who he said made him happy. I was jealous, and I still had feelings for him, but I guess since I'm the one that fucked up I have no right ruining his good relationship.

We didn't speak after that, but the other day, I saw him again after 7 years!! We exchanged numbers, and although he's seeing someone, I feel like fate is giving me a second chance with the one that got away. Should I take it?

Whenever I hear someone talk about "the one that got away", I always think of The Silence of the Lambs, and that woman stuck in the pit in the crazy dude's basement. Probably not what what you were thinking, right? But to me, "got away" = escaped, which kinda suggests that the person was trapped to begin with.

I'm gonna take you to Cliche Land for a minute, but things do happen for a reason. Maybe the reason things happened the way they did was to save you from a future heartbreak with this guy. You going out and kissing this other guy right after you made such a commitment was your gut's way of helping you to make a different choice. What would've happened if you'd went ahead and moved in with him? You probably would've been in a different life than the one you're in right now. Who knows?

I once went out with this guy Trice for 4 months. He was the first guy that I was exclusively settled with, and although we never officially declared ourselves a couple, it was just understood that we were what we were. Trice was handsome, artsy, creative and well-travelled. He'd lived in Amsterdam, Sweden, and Montreal and spoke a couple languages fluently. We were a perfect match. He was the first guy to ever cook me dinner (salmon & cous cous, I remember it well); he introduced me to sushi, and cultivated my appreciation for rap music (he was an aspiring rapper) and Haitian food. He'd rub my stomach when I had cramps and give me massages after work. And although he smoked a little too much weed (sometimes 4/5 joints a day), his friends were all thuggish, and I suspected he did illegal activities, he got along well with my friends and family and was very attentive to me, so I let it slide.

Then one day, after 4 months, Trice just up and disappeared. Never heard from him again. Just like that. I called for a week, and then waited another week. Then realized that I'd probably never hear from him again. I was beside myself; my friends couldn't believe it. "Something must have happened," they said. "He wouldn't just leave like that." But his best friend had my number and his mom did too, so I figured it was just over. I was floored.

For a long time I thought of him as the one that got away. Then one day it occurred to me that maybe I was the one that got away. He was a nice guy and we'd had a great run, but he was also dealing drugs, and had a weed habit that was out of control. I don't know where I'd be today if he hadn't disappeared, but I do know where I am today because he did. And it's not too bad.

Bottom line, some things are just better left alone. The fact that he's seeing someone else (and hasn't contacted you in the past 7 years) says he's not losing much sleep over your past relationship and probably doesn't think of you in quite the same way you've thought of him. But you shouldn't have to wonder "what if?" either. So keep in contact (as friends) and see where it takes you.

And think of all the great things you've done in your life because he "got away"...

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