Play It Again, Sam

Hey SE,

I have a issue and I need your help. I can’t post the question to my blog in fear of alienating the involved parties. So here we go:

I’m your typical nice guy that has his life together. I have several guy friends that... well... honestly, aren’t treating their ladies the way they should. Here’s the situation. I have two friends and one is married and one’s engaged. They’re lame and they don’t take their lady out or plan romantic outings. So their women call me. And they want to hang out cause I’m “safe” and they know I like to do interesting things. Without being too forward, I’m not getting anything out of the relationship. Nor am I trying. I’m just tired of providing all the romance but not reaping any of the rewards. Help! -Anonymous


Seriously dude, are you like Stand-In Husband or summin'? If so, you should really start a business and get paid for it. Or at the very least count it toward your annual number of volunteer hours. This is leading down a very bad road. If you don't nip it in the bud right now, one of two things will happen:

1) You'll end up sleeping with dude's wife, OR
2) You'll end up sleeping with dude's fiance

You say nothing has happened...yet; and although you don't strike me as the type of dude who would intentionally screw your boys over, the Law of Averages says that if you spend enough time with a person, something is bound to happen (ok, maybe it's not the Law of Averages, but I know there's some law that applies here).

It's true, I once dated an unattractive guy with a hint of halitosis, just on the strength of the fact that we spent a lot of time together and became really close. You ever see some couples and wonder "What the hell is s/he doing with that person?!" They just spent a lot of time together.

All it takes is an argument with the fiance/husband (personally I think there's more of a likelihood of the wife crumbling than the fiance, but you never know), and a vulnerable moment and it's a wrap. And if you're one of Those Dudes (they need no explanation), you'll sense the opportunity even before it's presented.

You don't believe me? Rent that movie Play It Again, Sam. If nerdy-ass Woody Allen could get Diane Keaton to drop her drawers (doing the same thing you're doing now, I might add), then I think the likelihood of it happening to you is at least 3 times that. At least.

So what d'you do? Tell your triflin'-ass boys to handle their business or their ladies will likely find someone who will...Or, you could (gasp) just not offer or volunteer your time to spend with these women! I know it's a wild idea - saying you're busy and all - but you should try it every once in a while.

And in case you get confused, just refer to the nice little flowchart (click to enlarge) I've given you.