Second, Third and Fourth Chances?
Dear Simple Enigma,
I find myself in a complex situation and I need some advice from a seasoned dating expert such as yourself. My friends' advice has been really good, but now that there is a new development, I'm beginning to feel like the girl who cried wolf and so would appreciate some objective input.
I started dating a guy last October. Everything felt right for the first time in a long time. Things were starting to get serious. But suddenly he started getting weird and distant and then he started vanishing only to pop up every month or so and agree that we needed to talk and tell me he'd been going thru some stuff only to vanish again without the conversation taking place. I was upset and then I was angry. Why was he wasting my time and why did he think he could just do this? After 3 months of this vanishing/reappearing act, he called again. When I spoke to him it was pretty clear from my tone that I was annoyed and angry. I just had a birthday and I've been dating some different guys online (who haven't really been what I'm looking for). I also started a new stressful job and have been exhausted and tired all the time.
I was actually quite rude and abrupt. At the end of a week of very stressful work I realized that I didn't feel good about our last conversation and I needed some resolution one way or the other. I also wanted some of my stuff back. So I called him and met with him.
We sat and talked. He apologized profusely for the vanishing, but explained that he'd been dealing with something that even he didn't know how to deal with, and then didn't know how to tell me when we started dating cos he didn't want to ruin things or it wasn't the right time and then he was just stuck because he didn't know what to say or what to do about it.
The situation is this...
...aaaaand scene. Part 2 will come shortly, but leave your comments on Part 1. (Mine are below.)
Dear Chances,
I had to break this up into two parts. For one, your email was really, really long. Secondly, I don't want to taint the reader's responses by providing the whole story all at once.
It's interesting that we haven't yet gotten to "the situation" cos in my opinion, a dude does the vanishing/reappearing act with me for more than 2 weeks and it's a situation. Only a death in the family (parent, sibling or child) or surgery could excuse him from waffling for three months. What excuse (save death or surgery) could he possibly have? And even if it were one of those, why wouldn't he call to tell you if he were really interested in continuing to see you? My instinct says that he has to have a side piece. There is no other explanation if he appears to be fine and well. And then you called him back after you told him about himself to meet up? I guess some of us are more forgiving than others...
What say you, readers?
posted by SimplEnigma @ 11:01 PM
10 comments
10 Comments:
I am not speaking to you. How cud u break it up into parts? My heart is broken after this vanishing act and I will not give you a second chance!
And if the situation is that he got someone pregnant then I quit you! Lmao!
My advice? Honey I live this situation...he is seeing someone else. Full stop.
OMG!
DEJA VU MOMENT!
nwez I think she shouldnt have called as the minute the vanishing became a routine...she shudda been outta there in a flash!
cant wait for part 2.
part two?? u r evil!!
sounds to me like she is the side piece...there is a wife/woman in the picture who he is hiding her from...she needs to walk on post haste!!!
:)
I say that someone who disappears for longer than a week with no warning, or expressed reason has said something pretty loud and clear...and that is: "he's just not into you"
LOL Rebound chick....dude got back with former ex/wife/etc, and now Chances is a "complication"....so things are going good with reconciliation, then goes to shit....Chances gets a call...former chick and dude make up AGAIN, Chances is left in the wind....and on and on....
Chances, girl....there is nothing of yours that he has that you can't live without....let go, girl....let go.
I swear my trainer just told me this story about her girlfriend. She was dating the same type dude. He even told her that he wanted to take the "relationship" to a higher level. After she told him she just found out she was pregnant, he confessed that he was married.
Milady, the dude is unavailable. He may not be married, but he's playin' ya 'cause he knows you allow him to bounce and come back whenever he wants. I don't understand how you see someone once a month if you're dating. Say he's not married or has a girlfriend, why would you want to be with a grown ass man who cannot articulate what's goin' on in his life. That's not a good sign. There is something seriously funky with this bloke. It all sounds bad.
What sounds worse is that your need for "closure" is utter bullshit. You want him to fight for you. You have the fantasy that he'll see you, realize how magnificent you are and then CHANGE to have the good boyfriend character traits he has not shown to possess for way too long.
I just don't think you should WANT to be with him. That's you closure. Hit the NEXT button. You sound like a nice girl, so put yourself out there to meet someone who will treat you with respect, love and admiration. They won't until you start to for yourself.
What more could Part 2 bring to this common "I'm dating a playa" story?
milady...pls to issue part 2. thanks
hmph
Clearly whatever it is he's hiding or "dealing with" is a dealbreaker and he knows it. Unless it has to do with his job as an international spy/undercover agent for the FBI, CIA or NSA... Walk away!
Hello? Where part 2? A so long yu mek di ooman wait fi har answer?
I assume he is either a spy or working on a oil rig in the gulf of mexico. Guys just needs some space no use pressuring him. Probably it might not be the right time in his life for him to be getting involved in relationships.
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