Sometimes, Men Are Idiots

So I have this guy friend (we'll call him The Idiot, just for the purposes of this story) who's been seeing this girl for a while, we'll call her Irregular. He's totally sprung off this chick, which is perfectly ok - nothing wrong with that.

A few months ago, The Idiot asked for my opinion on a relationship issue. He thought his chick was cheating on him and wanted to know what to do. It's funny how people will talk about their cheating suspicions with everyone EXCEPT their partner. That always amazes me. I told him to ask her straight up and not beat around the bush. He agreed.

But y'all know me: I couldn't just leave shit alone. I wanted to know WHY he thought the chick was cheating. It's the writer in me...I can't help it. He said they hadn't had sex in a while because her period was unpredictable, and he just figured if she wasn't getting it from him, she was getting it from somewhere else.

"Some women just have irregular periods," I said. "Unless she's on her period every other week, that by itself isn't a reason to think she's cheating."

After giving him a brief lesson on the nature of women's menstrual cycles, I suggested he tell her about MyCycle.com, so she could chart her periods and try to see the pattern of when they were coming, and she could even get emails a few days prior. He was excited about the site and told me he'd let her check it out. That was that.

Fast forward to five months later. On my birthday, I see his number pop up on my caller ID. I was pleasantly surprised.

"I didn't know you even knew when my birthday was!" I said when I picked up the phone.
"Oh. Today's your birthday? Happy birthday." But he didn't say it with any gusto. Just flat and sad.
"Everything alright?" I asked.
"Well, that's kinda the reason I'm calling. Remember when we talked about me thinking Irregular was cheating?"
"Yeah?" I'm feeling kind of nervous, because his voice isn't sounding very confident.
"Well, she sorta found out that I talked to you about it, and she's pissed."
I felt better. After all, I thought, she couldn't be pissed at me; I'd given him information that suggested she wasn't cheating.

Then there was a fumble, muffled voices, and before I knew it, Irregular was on the phone. "Why would you tell The Idiot to monitor my periods online to see if I was cheating on him? Don't you have anything better to do than to mess in other people's relationships?"

Oh. Hell. No. WHAT???

Another fumble. More muffled voices and The Idiot is on the phone. But I can hear Irregular in the background saying, "Lemme talk to her, 'cause you not gon' handle the situation like you s'posed to!"

The Idiot: "Yeah, sorry 'bout that...she's a little upset right now."
Me: "Did you tell her that I told you track her period online to see if she's cheating?!"
The Idiot: "It sorta came out that way."
Me: "Well you best to sorta clear that shit up right now!"
The Idiot: "C'mon, Deb. I'll owe you one."
Me: "Naw dread, you ain't owing me shit!"

The Idiot whisper-pleads with me for about 30 seconds before the phone is snatched again by Irregular. I don't wait for her to get a word in, I explain the situation as I know it. She's silent long after I finish explaining, then she tells me her side.

Apparently, after I told The Idiot to talk to her about his suspicions and to tell her about MyCycle.com, he did neither. Instead, he went on the site and started secretly tracking her periods from that time. He'd used her computer to book a romantic hotel stay in the city for her Christmas gift, and had checked MyCycle to make sure she wouldn't be on her period. The Idiot forgot to log out of the site. The rest, as they say, is history.

Irregular thanked me for being truthful about the situation and hung up. I don't know what happened, because The Idiot hasn't called me since then, and I don't really see any need to call him either.

Moral of the story:
1. Don't ask for my advice if you're gonna use only parts of it, and in a manner opposite from what we've discussed.

2. Don't expect me to lie for you when it jeopardizes my character. It ain't gonna happen.

3. Don't call me on my birthday with bullshit, 'cause even if I had any inclination of doing #2, you already fucked it up by ruining my day.

4. Be open and honest with your partner. If you can sleep with 'em, you can ask them if they're cheating.

5. If you're gonna play 007, be smart about it.

6. I'm usually right. No seriously. This could've all been avoided if The Idiot would've just listened to me.

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