Upgrade U? Umm, No Thanks!

Is it me, or does she look the same after her upgrade?

Admittedly, I ripped Beyonce a new one on my commentary of the Irreplaceable song. Come to find out, she wasn't even the one who wrote it...which kinda begs the question: "Who's the bigger idiot, the person who penned the silly lyrics, or the person who sang them?" (This is a freebie, by the way)...I guess I'll philosophize on that another day.

You ever see those before and after pictures? Sometimes the subject has genuinely been upgraded, but let's be honest: most of the time the "before" looks better or you just really can't tell the difference. It got me thinking about that song "Upgrade U" by none other than our silly lyric singer, Miss Knowles. The beat is catchy, but I wondered if anything lay beyond the shallow surface. Let's see, shall we?

Jay-Z:

Hehehe Yeah B,
Talk yo shit heheh (partner let me upgrade you)
How you gon' upgrade me
What's higher than number 1?
You know I used to beat that block
Now I be's the block (partner let me upgrade you)

That one line just destroyed the whoooole point of this song. Who dates someone who's not number 1 in their book?! Can you picture a chick - or a dude for that matter - saying, "Y'know, I enjoy dating scrubs and losers! I've always been attracted to someone who's a solid number 8."

I hear you be the block
But I'm the lights that keep the streets on
Notice you the type that like to keep them on a
Leash though

So she's noticed he's the type that likes to keep women on a leash (i.e. keep them in check) - yet she's still interested in dude. Sounds like an abusive relationship waiting to happen.

I'm known to walk alone
But I'm alone for a reason
Sending me a drink ain't appeasing

Dude can't send her a drink - that's insulting - but the fact that he keeps chicks on leashes isn't. Interesting indeed.

Believe me
Come harder this wont be easy
Don't doubt yourself trust me you need me
This ain't a shoulder with a chip or an ego
But what you think they all mad at me for

Apparently this chick doesn't realize that a dude who's number 1 doesn't need anyone or anything, nor does he need to "come harder". If he can keep women in check by doing the bare minimum, why should he do anything more than? Betchya never thought about that, B!

Bridge:

You need a real woman in your life
That's a good look
Taking care, home is still fly
That's a good look
Imma help you build up your account
Thats a good look
Better yet a hood look,
Ladies thats a good look
When you're in them big meetings for the mills
Thats a good look
It take me just to compliment the deal
Thats a good look
Anything you cop I'll split the bill
Thats a good look
Better yet a hood look
Believe me
Ladies thats a good look

This bridge makes useless drivel sound intelligent...I'm confused, isn't she supposed to be upgrading him? So why is she cleaning the house, and splitting bills? Upgrade heffa! I wish a dude would roll up to me and say, "Lemme upgrade you baby, I'll go half on that cable bill witchya!" I'd buss his head open to the white meat. And WTF is a "hood look"?

Chorus:

Partner Let me upgrade you
Audemars Piguet you
Switch your neck ties to purple labels
Upgrade you
I can (up), can I (up)
Lemme upgrade you
Partner let me upgrade you
Partner let me upgrade you
Flip a new page
Introduce you to some new things &
Upgrade you
I can (up),
Can I (up), let me
Upgrade you
(partner let me upgrade you)

Confucious say, woman who want to split bill can't afford Audemars Piguets and Purple Labels. Besides, why are you buying AP watches if you're still livin' in the hood?! How about using that 10 grand and buying you a house in suburbs?

I can do for you what Martin did for the people

Martin who? I know she's not talkin' bout Martin Luther King, Jr., a man who gave his life to fight against the oppression of black people. This is almost like the time when Kimora Lee Simmons said that she and Coretta Scott King had a lot in common...like what, a marriage certificate?

Ran by the men but the women keep the tempo
It's very seldom that you're blessed to find your equal
Still play my part and let you take the lead role

Which is it, are you equals or does he have the lead role? It can't be both, sugar...make up your mind.

Believe me
I'll follow this could be easy
I'll be the help whenever you need me
I see you hustle wit my hustle I
Can keep you
Focused on yo focus I can feed you

Hmm, keeping him and feeding him...wasn't that what got you in trouble the first time around?

[Jay-Z:]

(Uh HOV, Uh, HOV, uh huh huh!)
I B the d-boy who infiltrated all the corporate dudes
They call shots, I call audibles
Jacob the jeweler, baubles, Lauraine Schwartz sorta dude
It's big balling baby when I'm courting you
I'm talking spy bags and fly pads and rooms at the Bloomberg
And rumors you on the verge of a new merge
'Cause that rock on ya finger is like a tumor
You can't put ya hand in ya new purse
It's humorous to me they watching
We just yachting off the island hopping off
Amalfi coast
Mafioso, oh baby you ever seen satin
No, not the car but everywhere we are
You sure to see stars.
This is high level not eye level,
My bezzle courtesy of Audemars
I order yours tomorrow now look how much I saved you
Mama let me upgrade you

At least he doesn't contradict himself...LOL. He probably heard the words, and was like, "WTF?" but did it anyway just like a good little boyfriend's s'posed to...Hehe.

[Outro:]
Audemars Piguet watch
Dimples in ya necktie
Hermes briefcase
Cartier top clips
Silk lined blazers
Diamond creamed facials
Vi Vi X cuff links
6 star pent suites

Wasn't that what you did for that other dude who cheated on you while you were out upgrading him? LMAO...

I left some parts of the song out, but including them wouldn't have made a difference. It's not like those parts would actually make the song make sense. LOL. I know some people might think I'm hatin' on Beyonce. I'm not - I actually think she's a great singer and a beautiful woman. But I also think that if you bought the B-Day album, it's painfully obvious that lyrically, you got robbed. Guess that's what happens when you put together an album in a couple of weeks. But who am I to judge? Last night it was painfully obvious that I shouldn't have had extra cheese on that slice of pizza, but I did it anyway.

Why do people assume that they've upgraded your life by buying you expensive material things?