I'm Not Interested
K, New York
Why is it so hard for a guy to tell a woman he's not interested? He'll avoid phonecalls, tell you he got back with his ex, or even lie and say he met someone else before telling you he's not interested. I even had one guy tell me he was relocating to another state, only to see him out at a bar a couple weeks later, where he finally admitted I wasn't his type! Why can't guys just be up front and say what they mean?
Funny, I was just discussing this very same issue with a fellow blogger a couple weeks ago. According to Fiyah, men lie about stuff like that because women just can't handle the truth. Apparently, upon hearing certain truths we either turn into these vile, evil creatures running amuck on society slashing tires and breaking windows, or we disintegrate into weeping emotional messes, neither of which is attractive to the opposite sex. Since no allowance was made for anywhere in middle of that spectrum (i.e. normal), I've been questioning my gender and wondering if there are more of us non-women out there.
Ironically, it was I who got thoroughly cursed out this past weekend by one of the opposite sex (who couldn't handle the truth) after he tried to talk to me and I told him I don't date smokers. I thought I was doing him a service by not wasting his time entertaining a conversation that I already knew wouldn't lead anywhere. He thought I thought I was better than him, and told me how shallow I was for dismissing someone "just" because they smoked. He's ingesting poison into his lungs and slowly killing himself, yet I'm the shallow one. I think I now understand why I failed the Critical Reasoning part of the SATs.
Anyway, I digress...I actually think Fiyah is partially right. There are some instances where women can't handle the truth (i.e. questions of weight, comparisons with an ex-girlfriend, etc.). A woman can never rationally process male agreement that she's gotten fat (even if she has) or that the ex was prettier, nicer, [insert flattering adjective here] than she is. Never.
But for the most part, I think that line of argument is just an excuse. I think people (both men and women) avoid being up front and honest not because they think the other person is going to react negatively, but because they're simply afraid to own up and be The Bad Guy. No one wants to be The Bad Guy - especially when the other person is a nice person, but you're simply not interested. (Paradoxically, no one wants to be The Nice Guy either, since that comes with it's own set of trials...more on that another time).
It's easier to tell someone you're moving to Africa, or that you just came down with bird flu and have to be quarantined for a year, or that you're doing a 2-year bid in prison, or simply avoid any place you think you're gonna run into them, rather than say those three simple words: "I'm not interested." Why? Because deep down - even though most of us won't admit it - to some extent we care how we're perceived by others. It's rarely ever about the other person's feelings; it's about how they (and other people they might tell) will think of us.
And when you decide to be The Bad Guy and tell someone you're not interested, it'll be that one crazy person who just won't understand who'll think you're a "superficial bitch" for being honest. Go figure. I think Murphy has a law for this...
If a figurine sailor can do it, why can't you?
posted by SimplEnigma @ 10:54 AM
12 comments
12 Comments:
It's easier to... (LIE)... than say those three simple words: "I'm not interested."
I think it also has a great deal to do with lying just being flat out easier sometimes. I despise lying, but I can't say I don't consider the option when situations like the ones you're talking about arise.
I had a similar conversation last night with a friend who needs to tell a pretty decent guy she's just not interested. She's been dragging it out, and she wanted to know if she could find "another way" to get rid of him. I told her no. It's no easier to be the person telling someone to hit the road than it is to be the one sent packing (they're just a different kind of difficult). That's not going to change. And while lying can be a helluva lot easier in the moment for the one doing the talking, it ultimately only makes things worse for both parties when the truth eventually comes out.
Tis true, women do get the knickers in a twist when they sense the man is withdrawing. The most mature man finds it hard to do. Women must be more discerning, and when you sense that he wants to dash - don't NAG - just do yourself a favor and make yourself unavailable!!
I think it depends on the level of emotional involvment, its easier to dismiss someone you don't have any actual connection to with the truth, than someone you do care about, but know its not going to work out in the long run. Emotions and hormones are a bitch.
Hmmm. I kind of have to agree with your explanation on this one. In fact... you have even changed my mind on what I blogged. Good job!
@Belle: Agreed...it really is just lying, but I get longwinded sometimes...LOL.
@Dutchpot: I don't think women should just go with their sense, because sometimes *gasp* we're wrong. I could think my man is becoming withdrawn, and that could very well be based on my own paranoia, PMS, or some other reason that has nothing to do with him. But if I go with that "sense" and just leave it alone, I might've let go off something that could be solved with communication. Yeah, I know...women's intuition...but sometimes it's wrong, right?
CP: I wholeheartedly concur
Fiyah: I don't know if you're being sarcastic or sincere...Damn you! That's MY beat! LOL.
I was being sincere. Fuh real. I have done exactly what you described in that post before. I just didn't fully recognize why I did it. Makes sense now.
I think its because most of us don't like to disappoint other people. We know how we feel when we are rejected (personally or professionally) and we feel compassion when we are presented with the prospect on having to do it to someone else.
Hmmm, not sure if I agree with that argument. I'll post a comment later on -flight to catch.
I'd prefer a girl tell me she was moving to africa than to play coy for 8 months. really honesty or white lies is the best policy.
It depends on the situation I guess. It is my belief that a woman KNOWS when it can be solved by "communication" or he is just "not that into you". We just ignore what we KNOW most times. eg. When your man is in love with you and is busy - you know because he will communicate this in a way that shows he understands your need for his attention and he will still make time for you. Because that is waht love does! When your man is constantly busy and he hardly finds time for you - it is my belief he is not that into you. He may not say it, but he is slowly distancing himself hoping you will get the message. Lot's of time we get the message but still insist on nagging "and trying to work it out". If you have to always be telling your man you need him - it ain't worth conversing about IMO. Just my two cents from my limited but intense experiences LOL LOL;) And in such situation, I hate to waste energy and conversation when my heart and gut knows what's the score.
Yeah, I guess that sometimes I dont want to be the bad guy, so Ill avoid the individual...but only for a few hours/days - I dont pull that weeks/months shit that men do! LOL Man, sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and yank the band-aid off!
L
its a human thing, no one likes to hurt another persons feelings, especially if they have intermate feelings for them. if a guy wants to tell a girl the "I'm Not Interested" line and the girl intuition senses it and she takes DP advice, but instead of making herself unavailable, she says to him what he wanted to say to her, in a prudish manner "hon.. im not interested"
how do you think he would take that?
guys hate it when girls breaks it off first, even if they were planning to.
he would want them to work things out, even though they are fully aware of the fact that it wont last, it might go on for another month until he breaks it to her this time.
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