Why Are You Single?

Inevitably, at some point during your dating life someone will ask you this dumb-ass question. (If you're feeling a wee bit indignant that I've labeled it a "dumb-ass question", that's probably 'cos you're one of the people who've asked it. Don't feel bad; we all ask dumb questions from time to time.)

Obviously, one is single because one hasn't found the right person. That's the only possible answer to said dumb-ass question. If you've found the right person but it didn't work out, it means that they weren't the right person to begin with, so we're back to the default answer. If you're "single by choice", it means you haven't found the right person, 'cos no one finds the right person then decides they don't want to be with that person who's oh so perfect for them, so again, we're back to the default answer.

So based on this circular reasoning, I thought it would be fun to develop some canned responses to this dumb-ass question. Next time you're on a date and s/he asks you why you're single, try one of these:

I'm really not single, I just have to wait for the restraining order to expire.

I'm not single! This is my fiance (point to imaginary person beside you) Tom. Fix your tie, baby (pretend you're helping imaginary person adjust their tie).

I'm actually from Venus (Mars, if you're a dude)...haven't been able to meet any quality people with similar backgrounds, what with the small dating pool and all.

I have no clue why I'm single. (Begin scratching your crotch area). I'm smart, financially secure and goodlooking (really start scratching) but for some reason I just can't get a date...God, this frickin' rash! (Mumble last sentence under your breath, but loud enough for the asker of the dumb-ass question to hear).

Oh, I haven't been single long! I just signed the divorce papers from my fourth ex-wife two days ago!

I used to be a [insert opposite gender here] so it's taking me a while to get adjusted to the dating scene as a [insert current gender here].

When I was younger I did a few adult movies, but for some reason guys just can't seem to get past that.

I write a dating blog and...

Why are you single? LOL