The Reluctant Bride
Anonymous writes:
I know this post is a few months old, but maybe some people will read the comments and give me some advice. I'm exactly the kind of girl you described, never cared about getting married, never dreamed of the wedding day, don't know a thing about diamonds. I've been in the best relationship of my life for almost three years, and knew from day one that this was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
We talked about my not caring about getting married, and I knew he had more traditional views about it. I assumed that if he ever proposed, I wouldn't mind getting married because it was something that was important to him.
Well, he proposed a week ago, in a very sweet way, and I said yes. I felt great about it for about a day, then I started really freaking out. I feel like I'm not being true to myself and what I believe in. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don't want to get married. I tried to bring it up, and it didn't go over that well. We've already told our parents and all our friends, I really don't know how to get out of it now without really hurting him.
To make things worse (for me anyway) the ring is a huge diamond that gives me a panic attack when I wear it because it reminds me of the whole situation and how I feel. I said I was afraid to wear it around the city wje it wasn't insured, but that only buys me about a week before I have to put the shackle back on my finger.
I hate feeling this way about something that should be no big deal and that most women are thrilled about. I also hate not being able to tell him how I really feel without completely devastating him, it's the only time in the past three years that I haven't been 100% honest with him.
What do I do? Call it off and potentially lose him? Or just ignore how I feel and hope it changes?
My response:
Search, is this you? LOL. Assuming this is not Search, then my advice is to be honest. Would you rather hurt his feelings now, or wait til they throw you a bridal shower, spend hundreds of dollars on a bridesmaid dress they'll never wear again and everyone's gathered at the church waiting for you to come down the aisle?
Personally, I don't understand your conflict. If he's the guy you love and want to spend the rest of your life with and you're absolutely sure about those two facts, why wouldn't it make you happy to get married - even if you're just doing the ceremony for his benefit? What does a little piece of paper, some metal and a stone change?
IMO, you have the most important ingredient: love...whether or not you get married is irrelevant to you and I, but pretty important to him. But the feelings you're having suggests that maybe it's not marriage that's giving you cold feet, it's the commitment.
I know this post is a few months old, but maybe some people will read the comments and give me some advice. I'm exactly the kind of girl you described, never cared about getting married, never dreamed of the wedding day, don't know a thing about diamonds. I've been in the best relationship of my life for almost three years, and knew from day one that this was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
We talked about my not caring about getting married, and I knew he had more traditional views about it. I assumed that if he ever proposed, I wouldn't mind getting married because it was something that was important to him.
Well, he proposed a week ago, in a very sweet way, and I said yes. I felt great about it for about a day, then I started really freaking out. I feel like I'm not being true to myself and what I believe in. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don't want to get married. I tried to bring it up, and it didn't go over that well. We've already told our parents and all our friends, I really don't know how to get out of it now without really hurting him.
To make things worse (for me anyway) the ring is a huge diamond that gives me a panic attack when I wear it because it reminds me of the whole situation and how I feel. I said I was afraid to wear it around the city wje it wasn't insured, but that only buys me about a week before I have to put the shackle back on my finger.
I hate feeling this way about something that should be no big deal and that most women are thrilled about. I also hate not being able to tell him how I really feel without completely devastating him, it's the only time in the past three years that I haven't been 100% honest with him.
What do I do? Call it off and potentially lose him? Or just ignore how I feel and hope it changes?
My response:
Search, is this you? LOL. Assuming this is not Search, then my advice is to be honest. Would you rather hurt his feelings now, or wait til they throw you a bridal shower, spend hundreds of dollars on a bridesmaid dress they'll never wear again and everyone's gathered at the church waiting for you to come down the aisle?
Personally, I don't understand your conflict. If he's the guy you love and want to spend the rest of your life with and you're absolutely sure about those two facts, why wouldn't it make you happy to get married - even if you're just doing the ceremony for his benefit? What does a little piece of paper, some metal and a stone change?
IMO, you have the most important ingredient: love...whether or not you get married is irrelevant to you and I, but pretty important to him. But the feelings you're having suggests that maybe it's not marriage that's giving you cold feet, it's the commitment.
I don't think you should "hope it changes"...that would be a situation, primed for my TCOEB file. Be honest about your feelings; after all, he when he met you, you were that way.
P.S. It's proper etiquette to return the ring...
posted by SimplEnigma @ 10:37 PM
9 comments
9 Comments:
HAHAHAHAHA Why did I know you would call me out?! And, it's not me...but how would that have changed your answer. LOL
Honestly, I don't see the problem here, either. Other than the fact that anonymous is hung up on the "getting married, in spite of having never cared..." part.
Anonymous, are you really willing to give up the guy and remain true to your belief (which was what, exactly?...that you didn't care about getting married? doh!?)
If the rock on your finger is too overwhelming, tell him so, and go trade it in for something you really want....like a nice plain gold band (or one with an onyx setting...that's my favorite stone, in case you were wondering)...just trash the flash.
AND definitely MAKE THE TIME TO DISCUSS YOUR CONCERNS. Don't make excuses about it not going over well. I think the hang up is really related to all the pre-marriage stuff.
Screw tradition! Tell him you'd rather ELOPE; that you've never been big on the whole wedding thing, so you don't feel comfortable with the poppyshow your friends and relatives would want you to put on.
If he loves you and wants to be with you for the rest of his life, the manner in which the wedding takes place shouldn't really matter. But if HE starts balking about an abbreviated circus....er wedding ceremony, I'd start to wonder if he's just fascinated with the wedding and not the idea of being married.
But hey, if you don't want to get married, don't get married. Why torture yourself or him....just keep it moving....
But "methinks the lady doth protest too much."
Excellent advice/comments, search. Does anyone pay you by the hour?
Signed,
-- I can't remember my friggin' username/password
Obviously you weren't a 100% honest cause he would have known. You can do what search says. OR. Tell him your allergic to gold and your just using him as a cuddle buddy. If he loves you he'll believe your bs.
people do change man, i've seen it before.
oh how i wish...
*snapping back*
if you're gonna do like carrie and start itchin in the dress, then ok..i agree with the elope suggestion...its a little give and take, a marriage for him, something "un-flashy" for you...come on, compromise for the guy if you love him THAT much...a marriage is not the end of the world...
@ anonymous...if only!! LOL
The money I would've gotten from family, friends, and/or foe, would've have paid off my student loans AND some by now
LOL
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but do I since a larger issue here than the reluctance to be "married?" No matter the color, cut, clarity, carat or cost of the diamond, if you're referring to it as a "shackle"...maybe it is what the ring represents(eternity in a never ending circle) that makes you pump the breaks?
Girl, you're an idiot. You obviously don't love him. If you did, you wouldn't be freakin' the fuck out because of an official commitment. Deal with your real issue -- fear of real commitment, not marriage. That's such a cop out answer mostly used by boys.
If you want to be single and fancy free, be single and fancy free. Don't waste a dude's time while you figure out what your REALLY want.
You were selfish and wrong for accepting that man's ring. You sound of weak character, so I know you'll probably go thru it all so you'll remain the "nice girl." Your image will no doubt be more important that this bloke who've you've lead on for so long. Grow up, me lady. Grow some ball, me lady.
You've already ruin this lad's heart for his next love. Just do it already. No one will save you but you.
This comment has been removed by the author.
is it the wedding or the marriage that's the problem?
Typically, three years without a commitment, lots of women would be thinking about packing their bags
anonymous gets a ring, she wants a one-way ticket out of town
is it that there are expectations? What is it that's really bothering her?
Marriage is actually supposed to be a continuation of what you had before.
A piece of paper doesn't change who you are. It just changes the legal options that are available to the both of you. And then, of course, there's the whole religion/spiritual scope that would be a whole different conversation.
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