So, Come Here Often?

Adrian, 32
New York

I was watching a dating program on TV the other day and the women on the panel were saying how they don't get approached by men often enough, and how they'd love if it would happen more. That struck me as really funny, considering that most women (especially in big cities like New York) have a standoffish attitude when they're out and about, so a guy never really knows whether to go up to them or not.

Unless it's a club or another social gathering, I don't think many women give off the signals that indicate that they're open to being approached on the street, the subway or some other "normal" place, which is why they don't get approached. I don't mind being rejected by a woman if I'm not her type, but it seems like many of you are giving mixed signals. Let's end the confusion once and for all: when is a good time to approach a woman you're interested in?


That's kinda like asking when's a good time to quit your job, or go back to school or anything else. The short answer: there is no "good time". Unfortunately, they haven't yet wrote the manual on chatting up an attractive woman (101 Famous Pickup Lines doesn't count), so each situation is different.

For example, some women go to the gym to meet men; getting admired and ultimately approached by a man at the gym is their motivation for working out. Personally, I don't really find a guy trying to chat me up while I'm sweating profusely very sexy (with a couple exceptions).

Then there's work. When I'm commuting to work in the mornings is probably one of the worst times to try to holla at me. Work sucks. I'm not looking forward to spending the next 8 hours of my life there, so I'm already not in the frame of mind to be spoken to. In contrast, that's the best time of the day for some women: they're all decked out, just came out of the shower, and they're at the top of their game.

Point is, you never really know what type of woman you're dealing with. But there are a couple tips that might help you out:

1) If a woman's in a rush, it's probably not a good time to approach her.

2) If she's with her (non-adult) kids, it's probably not a good time to approach her.

3) If it's a dark night, and you're the only two people on a deserted street, it's probably not a good idea. Some women might enjoy the company of a nice guy on a deserted night, but there's a 50% chance that she might think you're a rapist...do you feel lucky?

4) If she's in a vulnerable position (for example, if you're her GYN doctor, and you try to chat her up in the middle of an exam), it's probably not a good time to approach her.

But the biggest thing to remember is that we are all visual creatures. I know it's shallow and superficial, but bottom line: if a woman is attracted to you, the tips above are pointless (although, if I were you, I still wouldn't fuck with #3, because fear trumps attraction in my book). She'll be open to your advances if she finds you physically stimulating.

A lot of people will tell you to look at body language as an indicator of whether a woman is approachable or not. I think in social settings, it's a good indicator, but in everyday life it might not be so accurate. I'm guilty of being one of those NYC girls who walk around with the poker face. City women in general have to maintain a harder facade than our small town counterparts. In our environment, you can't just be sitting on the subway grinning from ear to ear for no apparent reason. People will either think you're mentally challenged, crazy, or worse, an easy target for a robbery.

I say if you see someone you like, don't be worried about whether it's a good time. Just seize the moment, and do what you do. The worst that could happen is that she says she's not interested, and with thousands of eligible women roaming the streets and the grocery stores, the law of averages says you're bound to get a few "not interesteds" anyway. As long as you make your approach respectfully, the response will be equally respectful.

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