Better To Have Loved & Lost?
Warning: The following entry contains material that may not be suitable for some adults. If you have recently been through a breakup, currently going through a breakup, or have had your heart broken, read with extreme caution. If you experience feelings of bitterness, anger, resentment, or start to feel jaded while reading, please stop immediately and pop in one of the following DVDs: The Best Man, One Love, Love Jones or An Officer & A Gentleman.
I've been in love once in my life. Not like I was in any hurry to fall in love, considering the references and role models I'd had for comparison. Everyone I knew who was "in love" was miserable, and I was perfectly content to be in superficial relationships that I knew would end ond day. LOL. I never saw myself ever getting married, and couldn't even conceive the person who'd make me want to even contemplate such a step. As far as I was concerned, I didn't need the drama.
All that changed when I fell in love. The first time I laid eyes on The Love of My Life, I knew I'd see him again, and that we'd be more than friends. As a matter of fact, I told my friends that same night, "I just met the guy who's gonna be my first boyfriend." LOL. After our first real conversation, I knew I had to keep an extra close watch on my feelings.
Most people can't remember the exact moment they fall in love. It's usually a gradual realization. Maybe it was like that for me too, I dunno...but the day I actually realized it was Wednesday, November 13, 2002. Oh shit, I thought, this wasn't supposed to happen. Then I started to cry. (Not what you were expecting, huh?)
Maybe it won't be so bad, I thought, he obviously feels the same way, so I'll see where this goes. It went...and came...and went...and came. I had fallen in love with A Slippery Guy. A slippery guy (or girl), for those of you who've never had the misfortune of dating one, is a dude who you just can't seem to catch -- y'know, the commitment-phobe. I was a Slippery Girl before I met The Love of My Life...ironic, isn't it? And I thought there was nothing to this whole Karma thing. LOL.
For a while I was really jaded and bitter, I'll admit it. I was hurt by the whole experience, but I never really talked about it - just swept it under the rug and laughed it off. But inside, I felt like that whole experience was a waste, and I swore I'd never let my guard down again. I couldn't afford for someone to have that much power. I dated a couple of people right after I decided to "move on", and in hindsight, I really should call those guys and apologize. LOL. It was baaaad, really, really, bad. But I've had some time to reflect on this thing and came to a few realizations - I think they call it a breakthrough:
You never really move on. Love isn't a faucet that you turn on and off. Once you've been in love with someone, you always love them. You never forget - the love's just in a different form: memories.
My experience happened for a reason. Yeah, I know it sounds all cliche and shit, but it's true. I tried to imagine my life if I'd never met The Love of My Life, and it's almost impossible. I'd probably still be that indifferent chick going through life not expecting anything but superficial connections that end after a little while. At least now I know that I'm capable of having this magnitude of feeling for someone and I'm not the cold, heartless chick that my dates used to complain about.
Slippery People aren't really commitment-phobic -- you're probably not the person for them. For every person who's afraid of taking that big step, there's someone who they won't even think twice about committing to. Yeah, s/he might be into you - heck, they might even love you - but if they can't make the commitment you're after, you're probably not The One. I know, it's a bitter pill to swallow, but I've made my peace with the fact that although he was the one for me, I might not have been the one for him. Love is rarely ever equitable and balanced. LOL.
It's easy to become bitter and jaded. The opposite actually takes work! I still have my relapses, but for the most part I'm pretty positive about my future prospects. I might be shy and gassy with a weird sense of humor, but I'm still a good catch, dammit! Granted, I'm nowhere near ready to get that serious again - as a matter of fact, I'm still apprehensive about this whole love thing - but it's a work in progress.
Hit me up on the email!
Labels: First Love, Love of My Life
posted by SimplEnigma @ 8:29 PM
18 comments
18 Comments:
bravo, SE, bravo....I laughed, I cried....yadda yadda yadda.
As for your closing query....would I take the chance...*gasp* I think I already have...
the mister (oh, sweet T&T...lol) has watched me grow from that bitchy, jaded woman you mention, into the present "cynical about
love but wanting to keep him around" being that I now am....he accepts the momentary lapses to my former self, while "gently" reminding me that he is not the man that hurt me (but in the back of my mind, I always add the silent "not yet, you mean.") and loves me as I am...all the while knowing, my love is hesitantly given for now.
In spite of it all, I wouldn't change a thing (well...I would change one thing, but that's another blog you've yet to discuss).
Love is as necessary as air, and when we lower our guards enough to experience that bitter-sweet emotion (again)...it really is worth it.
So, yes, Lady Tennyson...'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
LOL @ yadda, yadda, yadda...oh right, Seinfeld reference. :(
Good for you taking the chance...life is all about chances! And it's human nature to feel apprehensive about future hurt, but I guess even that is part of living. Even though "the end" was one of the worst times thus far in my life, I think somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, the pessimist in me kinda expected it. After all, it can't be sunny all the time.
I guess the key is to find the balance between preparing for that harsh possibility, but living like it will last forever, because you never know which way the chips might fall...
Thanks for sharing! :)
I would definitely pursue my past relationships even if I knew I would be hurt. It's like getting a flu shot. You know that it may hurt, but in the long run you're better off--(for the record, I do not believe in the flu shot-- I believe in wholistic medicine, lol). Anyways, love is a crazy place to be at times. But I do look forward to the day I get to be in love again. When done right, it's a wonderful thing!
love the blog!
i honestly question whether or not i've ever been in love....which leads me to think, I wasn't. I question if this sappy, only eyes for you, consuming love really exists.
only time will tell if it does for me :)
I've been the Slippery Girl. Hell I am her to a bunch of guys right now. and u are right.. despite all my previous protests and escapist acts there is one guy who have me. just so. full stop.
And YES.. even tho I know there is a very good chance it may not end up the way I want it.. I'd rather have the experience than not. I love love. Wouldn't give up a chance at it for anything..
Simplenigma, very nice--what do you call this? a blog or post--whatever, it's nice.
I felt sorry for you, then I was happy for you. And they say I don't show emotions. Damn lies!
THE QUEST FOR "THE ONE." Do people really, really believe the is just one. How can that be possible.
With no agenda and with no intention to pursuade anyone I'll just give my opinion on the whole "The One" phenomenon birthed in weekdays soap opera: There is no "The One!" I've been in love three times and I can honestly say that I truely loved each of those women. The relationships ended because of circumstances, mainly beyond our control. But when I left relationship 1 and ended up in relationship 2, I didn't think 2 was some consolation prize because "the one," (#1), was no longer in the picture. In fact I learned so much about relationships from #1 that even today I credit her with my successes in several arenas including the love department. It was those lessons that helped me have a better relationship #2 than the #1. Relationship #3 was the same.
**come to think of it, I wonder if those women would consider themselves fluffers if they knew how better the subsequent relationships were?**
Anyways, I'm rambling, my point is; there is no "the one." It's like when you lose your keys, and you find it in the last place you look. Well, where else would you find it? If you've found it why would you continue looking? It's the same thing with relationships. We'd all like to find "A" person that satisfies all that we need for a succesful relationship and we'd like to find that person as soon as possible. He's only "The One" after you've found him and made a successful relationship. He's not "the one" before then.
SimplEnigma is having the Best Post Ever. LOL
Such truth. I felt it and know it very well.
Just one more thing...
There is you, then there is the you that one becomes after failed attempts. Like they say, the best way to learn how to make money is to lose some. Same applies here.
I cannot say I would 100% take that risk again...probably because wounds are still fresh. When I look back I would go through it all again because I learned so much at a young age. And as I've stated before I am glad I went through what I have while still young. Now when I look at the future I've been definitely thinking "hell no...I am too selfish to put up with anyone. When I want peace and quiet I want the person to get the hell out." I'm sure my feelings will change down the road, but for now mi nuh inna it.
@COE: for some reason I never consider love to be the sappy, waxing poetic type you see on TV. The Love of My Life has a similar philosophy to you in that he wonders whether it's love if he has to question it. I feel like you just know.
@Island Spice (love the pic, BTW!)...I think we're all slippery at some time in our lives till we meet the one with the good grasp (or maybe it's just that all the others who tried to catch you just made it a little less slippery)...hehe
Mr. 16% I think you've earned the right to up that percentage...65% seems a bit more appropriate. LMAO. I think I finally met my longwinded match. LOL. I love your responses...I agree that there is no "The One" as in one singular person that someone is destined to be with forever and all others are the consolation prizes. When I said "The One" I meant as in the one to commit to at that time. But I think you can fall in love more than once in your life.
LOL @ the fluffer comment...Have we dated?
Mr. A you know that's my favorite show ever, right? Every Friday at 11PM EST, I'm parked in front of my TV set, with my channel tuned to VH1. It's my lifelong dream to be one of the hosts.
Enchantress thanks for the honesty...I think I'm a little like you in that if I knew beforehand, there's a 2% chance I'd be like, "Ummm, I dunno...". LOL. But once you've done it, it becomes easier...
Thanks for the feedback on this and for sharing your experiences, especially to the guys because sometimes it's kinda hard to get yall to speak about things like love and feelings. LOL.
Real men can talk about feelings. Maybe not voluntarily, but you can pull it out most of the time. You're welcome.
I agree with 16%. The more you practice, the better you get. If you don't practice, you won't play well when it matters.
On the other hand, if you're preoccupied with a relationship that won't last, you may be overlooking opportunities that you would have if you were single.
I don't remember the exact date but I can always ask around...but it was February 2001.. I walked into Mike's restaurant on Flatbush Avenue and I fell head over heels, right over my bible lol
and had the icky feeling for 4 years, up until April this year. lol Ain't life a bitch.
This was my first time falling in love. I was married and didn't think I loved the man the way I loved this dude. Sheesh...weird I tell ya'
Well my ass was bitter, jaded, pissed off, upset, angry, sad, hurt...you name it i was it. Almost caught a flight to buss some ass, but I did my nails that weekend and didn't want to break any lol.
I must say I am grateful that I had the opportunity to love him and spend time with him the way I did, but dog coulda left a different way...guess that's why it hurts because nothing was etched in stone that we'd grow old together sitting on our porch with our grandkids...yeah it was a dream at one point lol
So this "see through soul" retreated from crying and is building on the self love. don't think I could break my own heart (humans don't have the capacity to do that..we're selfish)
Each time after the first time i fell in love i pretty much knew it wouldnt turn out how i planned ( fyi-this has been with the same guy)...yet i still went back for more...and i probably will always..I used to think that i wasnt ready to give up or i have always given up too soon..but as u say..u reach a point..a breakthrough where u finally understand whats going on..My heart has a mind of its own..lol...I cant tell it what to feel or who to feel..so we may never be together the way I want or the way he wants..my heart will remain the same..I've just come to grips with the fact that the one I end up with may not in fact be my love, he may just be the one that makes me happy..the one I can love..but am not in love with..and thats life sometimes...and I would not trade my love for all the world
beauty, that was beautiful (no pun intended). Glad you got your breakthrough...doesn't it feel great when that light FINALLY goes on, and you're like, "NOW I get it!" LOL
@Brown Girl...sounds like you had a breakthrough as well. Yay breakthroughs!!
yes I would explore that avenue again and again especially since he was THE love of my life, damn de tell tale heart. it hurt like hell when it happened and trust me when i say it was a miracle cause i was the one who would never fall in love but then they sent him along, it took just one look. my heart still jumps everytime i see him. i guess i should have told him how i felt. he was the one who knew how to do me right. now i'm in de same damn love boat as everyone else.
@ Anonymous, it sounds very cliche but think of it as a learning experience and preparation for better things to come.
Love & Learn
I'm a little behind since you posted this almost a month ago but, it's perfect timing for me. I have found myself in the same question and that question is so perfect right now.
I honestly don't know if I would get into that relationship knowing that it would end like that. There is a big part of me (the bitter side) that would have avoided him like all the other men and all this shit would have never happened. But, then I look back at the memories and all that we shared and the strong feelings we had for each other and I don't regret it one bit. I am a lot like you, guarded. I like being that way and he faught for my guard to come down and then he broke my heart. Ofcourse I'm pissed about that but, it also reminded me that I still have that ability to love. Which in the end is more satisfying than ever.
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