Shotgun & "Might-As-Well" Proposals
C.H., 29
Bronx, NY
I jus found out I'm pregnant for my boyfriend of 3.5 years. He wants to do the right thing and get married. I love him, and I want to marry him too, but I feel funny that it had to take a baby for him to want to propose. He didn't even do a real proposal, it was more like "I don't want to have a baby momma or want my child to be raised in that type of lifestyle. We've been together so long and now that you're having my baby I'm definitely not going anywhere so we might as well do it now."
It didn't have to be some big dramatic proposal, but every time I dreamed of the day he asked me to marry him it was a little more romantic than what I got. I know it's the right thing to do for the baby and I feel selfish for thinking the way I do, but I want a real proposal and him to WANT to marry me, not just because I'm pregnant.
When you have another life and future in the balance, things get a lot more complicated. Because of that, I'm not gonna tell you what you should do - I'm gonna tell you what I think I'd do if I were in your situation.
Believe me, I don't wanna be nobody's baby momma. It's not a negative thing (after all, if my mom had the same idea, I wouldn't be here right now because my parents didn't get married until about 8 years after I was born). BUT, I'll be a baby momma before I get married for appearances sake, or for any other reason, save love.
Yeah it sounds selfish, but I think a child deserves a healthy environment with two parents that love him/her. Whether those two parents live in the same house and sleep in the same bed and have the same last name, is ideal, but not mandatory. There are plenty of kids whose parents have been married all their lives who are paying someone $100/hour to help them deal with their intimacy issues, or their commitment issues, or God knows what else.
If you love him and you're sure he loves you, then your problem is more about your ego than anything else. Why couldn't he just want you for you, instead of you plus something? I feel you on that...it's tough not feeling like top priority. But, if yall have been together for three+ years, and he's given you bullshit reasons in the past for not wanting to take your relationship to the next level - actually, I shouldn't say bullshit reasons, because I'm sure in his mind they're perfectly legitimate - but if he's had excuses for not wanting to marry you in the past, you might wanna hold off wedding invitations until yall discuss what has changed. (Hint: you having a baby and him not wanting to be a baby daddy should not be the only reasons).
As for his proposal, I'm sorry to break it to ya, but proposals are a bit like your first sexual experience: what you think it's gonna be and what it actually ends up being very rarely matches, but you're stuck with it. Whack as it was (and that proposal was truly whack), it can't be redone. Even if he did redo it, you're still gonna be stuck with that horrible first attempt in the back of your mind. That is unless you get amnesia which wipes it out completely.
But he gets a Z for effort. Even if dude is not comfortable with emotions and expressing his feelings, even if that's the ONE TIME in your entire relationship that he says "I love you", no marriage proposal should have a "might as well" anywhere in it. Ever.
Good luck with your pregnancy and your marriage (?)...and since we're being brutally honest here, might I suggest cream or beige for the wedding dress? Pregnant brides in white really baffle me. LOL.
Fellas, would you propose to a woman just because she was pregnant or you'd been with her for a long time?
Ladies, would you accept a shotgun or a "might-as-well" proposal?
Email me a question and I'll answer it on my blog!
Labels: Reader's Questions
posted by SimplEnigma @ 11:35 PM
10 comments
10 Comments:
I don't get into relationships unless I see enough in the other person to be substantially convinced that a permanent relationship is possible. Making a permanent commitment, such as marriage, is confirmation of that suspicion, hunch or whatever you may call it.
Now during the time that I start a relationship and the time that I'm convinced that this is the person I want to make a permanent commitment to, is the time I'm spending learning about this person. There are lots of things or events that may move me closer to wanting to make the permanent commitment.
With that being said, if I was with a woman for several years, then it's obvious that I haven't been discouraged. Now, should she get pregnant, then that is a new and substantial element which would tip the scale towards permanent commitment. It doesn't say I'm only concerned with how we look, and it's not a referendum on her worth without her carrying my child. Nonetheless, a child is a permanent commitment in itself. You are forever inextricably intertwined. So my wanting to make that relationship permanent, is simply based on a culmination of things, not just the fact that she's carrying my child. Her worth to me should be evident in the fact that I was with her for however many "donkey years" prior.
I mean what is marriage anyway? It doesn't make a relationship; it simply announces it.
hmmmm.......as much as the "might-as-well" sounds kinda harsh, I also know if things aren't as picture perfect as we ladies want them, sometimes we may take things worse than they are meant. If it were me in the situation, I'd tell him exactly how I felt about what was said/how it was said and see where things go from there....
16% said..."With that being said, if I was with a woman for several years, then it's obvious that I haven't been discouraged."
This is my stumbling block. Why does it have to be an absence of discouragement, rather than the presence of wanting to make it permanent? I dunno...it just seems a little inconsiderate.
@COE...good advice. I'm not really into the down on bended knee thing either, but I think a might as well would hurt my feelings.
Simplenigma: "This is my stumbling block. Why does it have to be an absence of discouragement, rather than the presence of wanting to make it permanent? I dunno...it just seems a little inconsiderate."
It is a "presence of wanting to make it permanent!" The fact that I entered the relationship means that my posture is towards making that permanent commitment and the fact that I'm still there means I haven't been discouraged (My posture is still towards making that commitment). However, a child on the way is just one of those things that help to tip the scale further towards making that permanent commitment.
I hope women aren't reading this and running out to get pregnant thinking this is going to guarantee a proposal {not that they'd be happy with the proposal anyways :)...} If the man never saw you as a potential permanent commitment, a sudden zygote presence isn't going to change that, or at least shouldn't.
So you're saying that just as women (most times anyway) can look at a guy and know whether or not she's gonna have sex with him, it's the same way a guy already knows how far he's willing to take the relationship before he gets into it?
So basically, dude already knows (prior to actually asking a girl to "go steady" LOL) whether she'll be the one he marries, or they'll just live together for a while, then go their separate ways?
I wouldn't go as far as to equate those two things. I think you would agree with me that the scenario where a woman knows within the first 15 minutes whether or not she's gonna let off the panty meat, is strongly based on physical attractiveness. Physical attractiveness is something that CAN be assessed within 15 minutes. However, knowing whether or not someone is compatible enough to make a permanent commitment is, I HOPE, based on more than that physical chemistry.
So, no! I don't know when I meet a woman that she's worth my commitment. However, I think I've been sufficiently introspective to know what I like and don't like at this point in my life. I also have my personal and sometimes arbitrary standards (which is mostly physical but not all) that I use to determine who I'd even like to learn more about {similar to your apprehension of "rastas with no teeth"}. Once we get past that, then it's the whole dating thing where you learn a little bit more. Then if I'm "substantially convinced at that point that a permanent relationship is possible," then I'd make a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship. If after being in the relationship, I'm certain (well as certain as one can be given that you never really know people) that she is the one I'd like to make a permanent commitment to, then I'd make it. But by no means am I saying I know that upon meeting someone. When you meet someone the most you can do is say she is or she isn't someone I'd like to learn more about.
I don't buy a car without testing it in all the environments I plan to use it and considering that a relationship with another person is more important I don't think I'd jump into a relationship commitment without trying to see if I can get a glimpse into what a permanent commitment would be like.
I MIGHT CHANGE MY NAME TO LONG-WINDED! :)
@ Long-Winded (LOL - don't worry, I'm longwinded myself)...I was being intentionally facetious with my analogy.
You initially said: "I don't get into relationships unless I see enough in the other person to be substantially convinced that a permanent relationship is possible."
(BTW, I'm not nitpicking - I'm really trying to understand the reason behind it). So if we use that rationale, the woman in this situation (C.H.) should feel appeased knowing that by virtue of the fact that he's with her means she's commitment-worthy, right?
But my initial question is still unanswered. If you knew all along that she's worthy of a commitment, why not make it, instead of waiting for something else, or someone else to make it for you? For some people it's a baby. For others it's an ultimatum. Some require another person making a play for their significant other to step up their game.
I just don't understand why it has to be something that pushes one to make a decision that you claim you've made from time.
I have to say that he might have the right intentions, but his execution was whack. He could still do a lil summin summin to make it memorable. Then give the speech later on.
Who wants to be a "why not?"
Mr. A: get out the galoshes, a MAJOR storm is comin'...I can't believe we finally agree on something. LOL. (I was wondering what happened to my favorite dissenter!) :)
This is not our first agreement I'm sure. Just goes to show I speak tha truth. ;-)
Whats good with the eHarmony thing? Where is that story?
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