meHarmony

As promised this is online dating week, so I’ll be regaling you with online dating tales…here’s the long-awaited eHarmony story:

So during one of the "off" periods with the Love of My Life (we'll soon be revising that title, but more on that another time), my cousin suggested that I sign up with eHarmony.

"I have a couple friends who did it and they rave about it, so you can probably meet some nice guys that are compatible with you." she suggested. I thought it'd be a good way to get over my fizzled relationship so I decided to give it a try.

"You'll be on your way to a true match in minutes!" Dr. Neil Clark Warren promised. Half-hour later, I was still on the frickin' application! Not to mention that every few screens, there was an annoying little pick-me-up message, like "you're just a few steps away from true love" or some other nonsense like that. Those who know me know I have very little patience so I was fuming; but I also hate to leave something unfinished, so these two opposing qualities battled it out for another 10 minutes. I decided I'd come too far to turn back, so I said a few choice words aloud in honor of my cousin (for suggesting it) and Dr. Warren (for creating it) and continued.

Then I got to the part where you have to choose your preferences. I chose "Black" and "Other" as my races of choice. A pop-up window appeared:

“Selecting “Other” will create fewer match possibilities, as only those who identify themselves as “Other” and meet your compatibility requirements will be displayed. To receive more matches, select a broader criteria.”

WTF?! So basically I need to be open to date folks that I really don’t want to, just so I could make Dr. Warren’s life easier? Hmm…I don’t think so! I left my choices as they were. Then I had to select location; I think I selected a choice that was within 10 miles of my zip code. Again, the same message appeared, and again, I left my choices as they were.

Finally, I got to the end! The computer started searching for possible matches. I blinked at the message on the screen: “Sorry, you have no possible compatibility matches at this time.” Thousands of people in the eHarmony database, and not one of them matched my requirements. Go figure.

I broadened my location preferences, and tried again. There were two matches: a 38-year-old black divorcee (I was 25 at the time) who lived in Jersey, and a 35-year-old “Other”, who turned out to be half Polish and half Italian. Umm, is it just me, or wouldn’t that qualify him to select the “Caucasian” racial category? So basically, there were no matches.

I decided to drop the “Other” category from my preferences, and open up my location preference to the entire United States. I think they gave me every black dude who met my criteria, regardless of compatibility, because I read some of their profiles and was like, “I would never date this guy!”

There were a couple that piqued my interest; I tried to contact them, and Dr. Warren told me I’d have to pay $30/month to do so. Considering his track record up to that point, I decided that the $30 would be better spent on a nice meal, and did exactly that. I treated myself to dinner to compensate for the ordeal.

But I just couldn’t leave shit alone. I decided to do some investigative research into this whole eHarmony thing. I created a male profile with the same answers and preferences I’d used with my original profile. This time I was a little luckier. In a Seinfeld-meets-Jeanine-Garafolo-moment, I got one match: my own female profile. Apparently, I’m the one I’ve been looking for all these years. That makes no sense to me; why would I want someone exactly like me? What happens when we get into a heated argument, and we both fly off the handle and then each decide that we “don’t wanna talk about it” as I’ve been known to do a few times? What then? I deleted the male profile.

A few months later, I did connect with a few guys during one of the site’s Open Communication Weekends. But I felt like their collective biological clocks were ticking; they all seemed intent on getting my views on marriage right away. Slow your roll, buddy…can I get your NAME first?! I decided eHarmony wasn’t for me. My female profile is still there, but I never check it. I recently logged in, and I had a lot of closed matches with the “took to long to communicate” explanation.

Ah well. I s’pose there are worse people to end up with than myself. At least I look really good in underwear, and I don’t have any serious emotional baggage. How many of my other eHarmony matches can say that? Maybe I should’ve tried harder…I could’ve gotten a Tiffany bowl and a personal card from Dr. Warren as a wedding present. Darn.

Have you harmonized on eHarmony?

Shoot me an email sometime!