Moving....Offline

Christina

I met this guy in a chat room a year ago and we began talking. We’ve developed a relationship offline and it has been amazing. I feel like I’ve met my soulmate. We talk about everything and we’re so much in sync. He says he feels the same way about me. We met each other’s families and have become a couple, but we live in two different states and only get to see each other once a month because traveling is so expensive. He wants me to move to his state, but I don’t know if I should do it. My friends say I shouldn’t be moving for a man, especially one that I met online, and they want to know why he can’t move where I am. Now I'm having second thoughts about whether I really know him well enough to move to another state. What do you think?


First off, considering the length of time y'all have been communicating PLUS the methods of communication PLUS the distance, I think y'all probably know more about each other than couples who've been together for years. And knowing someone "well enough" is always relative...you could live with dude and he could be a serial killer, so don't even let that factor into your decision.

Secondly, tell your friends and the Women’s Lib Movement to cover their ears, er, I mean their eyes, because they’ll probably think I’m setting the movement back a few years. What better reason to move than for a man/love? People move for careers, money, weather and a lot of other things, so why not love? I actually cannot think of a better reason…ok, health is a better reason, but aside from that, can you think of a better reason to move to a new place?

I’m just as driven and career-oriented as the next chick, but a job can’t share your dreams, aspirations and secrets; you can’t make hot, sweet passionate love to a job (although I seriously think some of these executives at my company think you can); you can’t call the job up when you’re feeling down – er, well, actually you can and should – but the job can’t comfort you and make you feel better.

Mushy love stuff aside, I say go for it, with a few cautionary caveats (hey, that sounds kinda neat…I’ma use it again!):

Go, if you don’t have any major responsibilities. And by major responsibilities, I mean kids, aging parent or someone else who depends on you financially. Everyone has bills, so I wouldn’t consider that a major responsibility as long as you plan on how you’ll pay them during the transition. If you have a mortgage, that’s easily taken care of if you find someone to rent your house or you sell it. That’s up to you.

Plan your living situation before you move there. Are y’all gonna be living together or getting separate places? Don’t assume that because you’re moving you’ll automatically be living together. When I contemplated moving to be with the ex (and vice versa), we discussed and that we’d have separate places in the beginning.

Job-hunt and possibly interview before you move there. Love is one thing; reality is another. Yeah, a job can’t do all of those wonderful things I mentioned before, but it can do one thing love can’t: put food on the table. Get an idea of the job market for your industry before you take the leap.

You’re not moving for him; you’re moving for you. Remember that…and while you’re at it, tell your friends too. This is your experience; he just happens to be the dude sharing it with you. Yeah, he could've offered to move to your state, but the fact that he asked you to move there shows initiative. Besides, if you go and fall into a financial rough patch, it's a lot easier for a woman to ask her dude to tide her over (unless you're me) than it is for the guy to ask his girl to help pay his bills - unless he's a bum.

Don't throw your move in his face. Ever. I know you might be tempted to, especially if shit isn’t going so smoothly, but it will backfire. There's nothing I hate more than someone doing something and then telling me about it. Ugh. From time to time, you might feel like your sacrifice isn't appreciated...find another way to get that point across. If you ever feel like saying it, remember #4.

So what if you don't go, or what if you insist that he moves to your state, or what if you go and it doesn't work out?

- If you don't go, you'll spend the rest of your life wondering about what could've been. Not a good look.
- If you insist that he moves to your state and he does, but he's miserable, you'll feel guilty. I dunno why. That's just how women are...we always tend to feel bad about stuff like that.
- If you go and it doesn't work out, then at least you know and you don't have the regret of not knowing what could've been. Plus you'd have had the experience of living some place new and possibly making some new friends. Not the worst thing that could happen to you.

Should she go?

Email me with your own dating/relationship question.