Oh. My. God. (The Worst Non-Date Ever) - Pt. 1

For some time now, I've been convinced that God is a comedian reincarnated in the likes of Dave Chapelle, Tina Fey, and the writers of The Office & Seinfeld. I mean only a comedic genius who understands the subtle nuance of irony could orchestrate events like Bush's re-election and Bobby & Whitney's dysfunctional marriage outlasting those of their saner counterparts. Still not convinced? Wait 'til you read my story.

So remember how I said I'd met a nice guy on BlackPeopleMeet.com (not the first one, the one that I met days before my subscription expired)? Let's call him Mr. Right (you'll understand the meaning of this later). I'd just about given up hope that I was going to meet an interesting person (not a potential love interest - just someone who was sane and normal who could conjugate a verb) via BPM, and was just waiting out the rest of my subscription when Mr. Right came along. He sent me a nice message, I looked at his profile and thought he was handsome and liked what he had to say, so I responded giving him my email address.

In his first email, he asked me for a picture (my pictures on BPM were all vague and didn't capture my face). I responded: "...A pic is certainly possible, however I find people focus so much on the physical that they miss a lot of the personality. A lot of times people make assumptions about who I am based on how I look, which is why I'm skeptical about pics..." He seemed cool with that.

In his next email, he says: "...You know I'm not really into the typing thing to tough cause my time is already so occupied, but if you wanted to link, that would be cool." I was a little put off by this comment, because I thought that it showed a little inflexibility on his part. But I'd adopted my new, more open dating philosophy so I shrugged it off.

With my dad visiting, my recent promotion and my FDNY training, I had a lot going on, so we played phone/email tag for a couple of weeks. We finally connected for a real conversation on Friday. We spoke for about five hours; he was a rasta, a student majoring in English, worked as a part-time teacher, a day older than I, and of Caribbean descent. Things were looking promising ...then the arguments began.

Argument #1: I said that it's human nature to have an initial physical attraction to someone. He disagreed. I asked him what had prompted him to send me a message on BPM; he said my locks, which he thought symbolized a certain character. I pointed out that locks were a physical attribute. He disagreed, and proceeded to tell me that physical attraction was a shallow, superficial and animalistic way of relating to someone, and he was on a higher "logical" plane of intellectual thinking.

Argument #2: He asked me to justify my thinking, and in the middle of my response, he cut me off to tell me why my opinion was wrong, and then insisted that I not interrupt him while he was speaking. Twenty minutes later, after hearing about Plato and Socrates and how they stole their thinking from Egypt - which had nothing to do with the original conversation - he allowed me to get a word in. Then he says, "I have a confession to make. I emailed you on BPM because I was physically attracted to you. Your legs were so dark and smooth and I was mesmerized." I was annoyed. We basically spent 20 minutes arguing about something that was pointless just for the sake of having an argument. I told him I thought he was rude, obnoxious and I felt very marginalized in our conversation.

He pacified me, and our conversation went along a bit more pleasantly. We started talking about other things, and I finally decided to send him a picture.

Him: "You're beautiful."
Me: "Thanks."
Him: "No seriously. I'm mesmerized."
Me: "Ok, thanks." (nervous laugh, try to change the subject)
Him: "I don't give out compliments like that often, so you must know that I really mean it."
Me: (laughing)..."Ok."
Him: (to his friend in the background) "Tell her how picky I am!"
Friend: "Yeah, you're really picky. You're never pleased."
Him: "See? I didn't want you to think I was being insincere, but it means a lot when I give you a compliment."
Me: "This is the greatest day of my life."

My sarcasm displeased him; he makes a snide comment and we move on. The conversation has changed to sexual topics instead of the getting-to-know-you conversation we were having pre-photo (sometimes my beauty is a curse! *sigh*).

I hear a sound in the background. Wait....no, it couldn't be! It's impossible! But because I know God has a sense of humor, I realize that my ears did not deceive me. The dude has a cat.

"Is it yours?" I ask.
"Yes."
"You went out and bought it?" I persist.
"Yes."

Argument #3: I feel like I have no choice. I tell him my theory on single, straight men with cats. He finds it very entertaining, but tells me it's judgemental of me to feel that way.

"It's human nature to be judgemental." I say.
He disagrees. "I'm not judgemental. I'm on a higher plane of thinking. For example, if I see a woman in a miniskirt, I don't judge her; I think it's a sign that she's not culturally aware, but I don't pass judgement."
"But by deciding that she's not culturally aware, you're already making a judgement." I insist.
He tells me I'm wrong, and proceeds to tell me that virtuous women don't need to show themselves, and he's not attracted to women who don't have virtue. Did I mention I was wearing a miniskirt in the picture that prompted his initial email on BPM?

To be continued tomorrow...