SE's Laws of Love & Dating (Pt. 1)

I know. You're probably wondering how I - having only been in love once - could have the nerve, the temerity, the audacity, the unmitigated gall, even, to develop my own list of laws on the subject. Well if Murphy could do it, then so can I. At least you know I'm not some 40 year-old man who still lives in his mother's basement (not saying Murphy was, but dude seriously lacked a social life to have time to come up with all those laws). But I digress...Here's the first installment of SE's Laws...

#1: The minute you've convinced yourself (and everyone around you for that matter) that you're over the biggest love you've ever had, s/he will resurface.
How to break it: Block the ex's number, don't go to any of the places you used to frequent, block them on Myspace, Facebook and any other social site you're on, and pretty much become a recluse. Or you could just make a list of all the reasons you're not with them and refer to it frequently. The bitterness that ended the relationship will be enough to ward off all future advances.

#2: Once you find someone you're attracted to, their unattractive friend will be the one who tries to kick it to you, thereby ruining your chances with the one you wanted in the first place.
How to break it: Don't make eye contact with the ugly friend. If you do, you're doomed. Or you could approach the one you're attracted to before Ugly Friend knows what hit him/her.

#3: During the first few months of a new relationship, your friend will always prefer to be with his/her significant other. Yes, you were there for him when he got evicted and had no place to live. And sure, you were the one that saved her from a nervous breakdown when her last no-good boyfriend did her wrong. But let's face it, the S.O. is filling a void you can't.
How to break it: Ask yourself this question: "If I really needed my boy/my girl, would they leave the S.O. long enough to be there for me?" And I'm not talking 'bout need as in shopping or hanging out; I'm talking 'bout emergency need like bailing you out of jail or some serious stuff. If the answer is "no", then why are you friends with someone you can't count on in an emergency? If the answer is "yes" then get over it. Besides, it's not like you only have that one friend (and if you do, that's kind of pathetic...you should get out more often); go bemoan the tragic loss of your row dog to one of your other friends.

#4: Once you cheat on your partner and they find out about it, it'll be the underlying theme of every subsequent argument EVEN if they say that they've forgiven you.
How to break it: Just break up; they'll never get over it. Or, you could just not cheat...there's a concept for ya!

#5: If your best friend is in a long-term relationship, s/he has told their partner all your secrets...or the really juicy ones at the very least.
How to break it: You can't fight a winning battle with Pillow Talk; it'll always win. Accept it. So what if your boy's girlfriend knows that you accidentally made out with your cousin once? Or, you could just not tell your friend anything you don't want their S.O. to know. Or, you could just find a friend who's a Scorpio - they're naturally secretive so they won't be inclined to blab.

#6: You can't turn a Booty Call into a Boyfriend. Men are creatures of habit; once you establish that it's ok to call you only for sex...you've given up the milk. Don't expect them to wanna buy the cow.
How to break it: I'ma let you in on a little secret: for the most part, chicks are the ones that set the pace in a relationship. So make your intentions clear and don't entertain booty call behavior if you want more. This does not mean you should: a) announce your timeline for marriage and kids on the first date, or b) withhold sex until he agrees to be your boyfriend - unless that's what's been working for you.

#7: Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationships never end well. Someone always catches feelings and wants more, and the other person always doesn't. Always.
How to break it: You can't.

BTW, I think I have a girl crush on Rihanna...If she was a dude, I'd be an obsessive fan...