Sweating the Small Stuff

*sigh* (You know this is gonna be good when I start a blog post with a sigh).

The other day, I was chatting with a girlfriend of mine about guys. She mentioned that a mutual friend of ours (we'll call him Pits) had tried to talk to her, but she'd seen him out at a party and he'd had a big sweat stain in his armpit and she'd been completely turned off.

I thought she was being a bit unreasonable and told her as much. "You're a beautiful woman," I said, "He was probably just really nervous to talk to you, because I've never seen him sweaty before. He's always nicely dressed and doesn't smell. He could just have been having a bad day."

But Sweat Averse would not hear any part of it: "I just can't think of him in any other way since then," she insisted.

I just couldn't understand how one bad incident could completely turn someone off. Maybe I was taking it a little too personally because of my own, er, shortcomings. You see, when I really like a guy whenever I'm around him, I start to sweat profusely. I mean, just sweat pouring from everywhere. It's the weirdest thing: I can be on the treadmill for an hour, and not have so much as a glistening forehead, but put me in front of a dude I like and I'm dripping within minutes. I know, it's a cross I have to bear.

It got so bad that once I had to explain it to the guy (there goes TMI again). "I'm usually not this sweaty," I told him, "My glands just malfunction when I'm around guys I like."

Even after explaining my sweat problem to Sweat Averse, her heart was unmoved. She'd written Pits off with just that one incident.

So there's this guy that I met at a party a couple months ago. We'll call him Smiley, because he had such a wonderful, endearing smile. I mean, his smile just literally melts me. We have a couple mutual friends, and had such a great conversation at the party, I fell instantly in like with him. (I know you're wondering what this has to do with sweat, but just stay with me...) I mentioned to one of our mutual friends that I really liked him, and I guess something went on behind the scenes, because he asked for my email address. At the beginning of the new year, we exchanged a few emails and he asked for my number and called to ask me out.

Since I was traveling at the time, I told him I'd give him a call when I got back into town. I called him, and was so anxious about our conversation that I had one of my sweating episodes. Our conversation was literally ten minutes, and by the end of it, I was drenched. We made plans to go out on our first date, talked some more then said good night. After I hung up, I decided to send Sweat Averse and another of my girlfriends a text telling them about my sweating.

"Just hung up with Smiley" I wrote, "I'm sweating profusely...it's running down my sides and everything. Just thought I'd share because I know how much you love sweat, Sweat Averse. LOL!"

Sweat Averse responded almost immediately, but no response from my other girlfriend who's usually quick on the draw. I started to get a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. With mounting horror, I checked my outbox to see who I'd sent the message to.

Sure enough, I'D SENT THE TEXT TO SMILEY INSTEAD OF MY GIRLFRIEND. To say I was mortified would be an understatement. I don't think there's any word to describe my feeling. I started freaking out.

Called the girlfriend whom I should have sent the text to...she was at dinner and a bit distracted, but tried to think of excuses I could give. They all sounded illogical and implausible. Called Sweat Averse who was sleeping and clearly thought I was a moron. She was amused by the whole thing, but could offer no comfort.

Called my trusty friend H (she doesn't only provide New Years' Eve kisses, y'know). "You have to explain this!" she insisted. "And you need to call him right now!"

"I can't call!" I whined, a fresh stream of sweat breaking out on my back at the thought. Then my battery died and I was left all alone to figure it out.

Battery recharged, I decided to send him a text:
"Oops. Not crazy. Had been chatting with a friend about how I get nervous and sweaty when I talk to a guy that I really like."

Ten agonizing minutes later:
"LOL. I figured it was a mishap. Don't worry I like sweat too."

Did I not tell you that this guy rocks?!?

We had our date two days later...I'll save that recap for another time.