The Flip Side: Should You Tell Your Friend Their S.O. Is Cheating?

Vanessa was the first person I met when I went away to college. She was a sweet girl: upstate naivete, close to her family and very quiet - we became fast friends. Sometimes I thought she was a little too religious, but it probably just seemed that way because I had no religion at all.

Since Vanessa lived only a half hour's drive from school, she'd go home on the weekends and sometimes I would go with her. It was on one of those trips that I met her boyfriend who was a basketball player at a nearby college. They'd been seeing each other for only a few months, but they were both in the same church and had known each other a long time.

One day I went to the mall and saw dude hugged up and very intimate with a girl - and the girl wasn't Vanessa. I was in a quandary; I'd always heard that you should never get in the middle of a situation between a woman and her man, but Vanessa was my friend. How could I not tell her what I'd seen? I imagined what I'd want her to do if the shoe were on the other foot, and decided that I'd definitely want to know. I was sure she'd feel the same way. (I was also 16 at the time, so that might've accounted for my rose-colored view of the world).

Then my predicament became how to actually break the news to her. It's not something you just blurt out over dinner. So I tried the infamous Hypothetical.

"Say I had a boyfriend and you saw him cheating on me," I began (ironically while we were at dinner). "Would you tell me?"

She barely waited for me to finish. "Of course I'd tell you! You're my friend and I couldn't just have you out there like that! Besides, I'd want to know if it was me."

The Magic Words. It couldn't have been a more perfect opening, so I took it. I told her what I'd seen at the mall, confident that she'd give him a good tongue-lashing then kick his cheating ass to the curb. (I admit I might've been a little overzealous in my suggestions that she "dump his triflimg, no-good, wannabe NBA player ass".)

That day I learned that what people think they'll do in a situation, and what they actually do never seem to coincide. Vanessa took my news quite well, I thought. I mean, she gave the standard defensive responses: was I sure it was him, because it could've been his brother - they look exactly alike, y'know; it could've been one of his family members; maybe she kissed him and he couldn't stop her in time, etc., etc.

Finally, she excused herself from dinner and told me she didn't feel like talking. I understood; it's not everyday someone hears that their "choirboy" boyfriend is a lying cheat. Over the next few days, Vanessa barely spoke to me. I assumed she was just trying to get over breaking up with dude. Then she stopped returning my calls. Then she was too busy to eat dinner together. Then she started spending more time off-campus "at home".

Finally, she admitted she'd confronted dude, who'd told her that it was all a lie. He convinced her that I was just jealous and trying to break up their relationship, then (after they'd reconciled) suggested that maybe she shouldn't be hanging out with women who were so conniving to try to break them up. Needless to say, our relationship was never the same. I'd see her occasionally on my way to classes, but I think she left after our first semester. I promised myself that was the first and last time I'd tell a friend that they were being cheated on.

Then I got involved in HIV/AIDS education and volunteer work. I saw people who'd been infected because of their partner's infidelity. That kinda changed my perspective on the whole scenario. What if I don't say something and my friend ends up catching some incurable disease from their cheating partner? I'd feel like shit knowing that I could've done something to prevent it. Granted, there's no guarantee that they'd have listened to me, or even changed their course of action, but at least telling would absolve my guilt. Selfish, I know, but whatever get's the facts out.

Since that first time, I've been in several other situations where I've had to give a friend the cold, hard facts about a cheating partner. I've found that women are much less receptive to hearing information about their cheating partner. I dunno what it is about us that makes us so quick to blame the other woman (or the friend giving the news) but it just seems to go a lot smoother if it's a guy.

Some of those people are still my friends, some aren't, but I guess it's just a part of life. I've realized that my job as a friend is to give the facts, and nothing more. I can't control how they're received, or what action is taken, and I definitely can't be judgemental or be mad because they didn't do "the right thing".

I've also realized that 90% of the people who say they want to know the truth can't handle it, but that's their problem, tell 'em anyway.

What do you think? or Email me a question