How Do You Know When You've Had Enough?

Deborah
Atlanta, GA

I'm a 28 yr old female (single, but kind of dating) living in atl. Anyone who knows about the dating scene in atlanta should know why it sucks. Half the men are gay, 25% aren't really doing anything...oh i'm sorry they're trying to get into music..lol, and the remaining 25% of the good ones aren't looking for anything. I consider the one that i'm dating a good one...across the board. The problem is...we've been dating for 2 1/2 yrs, but nothing has changed. I date him exclusively, but he sees other people. Some days i'm cool with it and some i'm not. I can't front and say that i don't want more. It has been 2 1/2 yrs. I'm the kind of person who with ride something out just so i will not have any regrets, but how long is too long? what do you think?

It would be so easy for me to say, "2 1/2 years??!! Girl, you need to drop him like a hot potato!". But then I'd have to change my name to Pot and you'd have to change your name to Kettle, and it's just so much easier to keep it real and admit that sometimes we're in some fucked up situations where people outside see the answer sooooo clearly, but we know it's not that cut & dry.

I feel where you're coming from; you and I are very similar (and it's not just the name either). I've always relied on my feelings to get me through situations like this, and I've always used the "no regrets" rationale. But I've been caught up in a somewhat similar situation (except that I've been kinda dating as well) for a few years, and I recently had to tell my feelings to take a hike, break out the pen and paper and get rational about this shit.

Fact #1: You love this guy. Either that, or he lays the pipe pretty well, and I think if that was it you'd have been bored a loooong time ago. Besides, you don't seem to be the superficial type to me (but then again, I'm the one who's been on many bad dates, so maybe I'm not the best judge of character...LOL).

Fact #2: You want more than what he's giving you right now.

It sounds to me that you're both dating each other for completely different reasons, which could be problem #1. He's looking for a good time - not to say that he doesn't care about you, because I'm sure he does - and you're looking for something stable. So now you're trying to decide whether it's worth it to stick around for another year, because this could be the year when he comes around to your way of thinking. (It's those damn Feelings...they know how to get to you everytime). Now let Logic have her say.

It all boils down to this: what are you looking for? You have to make a list of the things you want - no - the things you need in a relationship. Not the things that would be nice to have, but the things you will absolutely not compromise on. If commitment, exclusivity and building a life together are anywhere near the top of this list, then dude may not be your guy, since he's dating other people, and in the 21/2 years he's given no indication that he wants to take this to the next level.

And although you say you want to live with no regrets, sounds to me like you're probably heading down that road, since you're already evaluating how much of your time you've already spent on this guy. And these things have a funny way of making that bitterness creep up on you without you even realizing it.

Now back to the list. The conversation you need to have with dude is simple. You tell him you need more, and you explain the things you're looking for. He'll have 1 of 3 reactions:

1) He'll feel the same way, be open to something more serious, and you can discuss your needs, his needs, and see where your 2 1/2 years will take you,
2) He won't feel the same way, and he'll tell you he's just having his fun, or
3) He'll tell you he feels the same way, but isn't ready for more because he's been hurt in the past, he's afraid of being hurt by you, or some other I'm-feeling-the-same-angst excuse.

Only one of these reasons is worth further discussion (hint: it's #1). Everything else won't give you what you NEED, and if your needs aren't being met, what's the point? I know, easier said than done, but I've had friends who've been in relationships for 14, 10, 8, 5 years who've called it quits because their needs weren't being met. It's a brave move, and not many people are made out of the stuff it takes to make it. Some people would rather have some of their needs taken care of and rationalize away the rest, rather than be alone. Or sometimes it's not even that deep; some people just go with their feelings, to hell with everything else.

It's your call...I don't know how long is too long (don't you hate when people give you an entire story just to tell you that they don't know?); it's something you're gonna have to figure out. But I say lock Feelings in the basement and let Logic and Female Intuition handle the job, because I think deep down you already know the answer.

Were you in a similar situation? What did you do?

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