Always The Dater, Never The Girlfriend

I'm 27 years old, and I've never been in a serious, long-term relationship. As a matter of fact, the longest "liaison" was 4 months, give or take the couple weeks after he disappeared where I wasn't quite sure whether we were "broken up" or not. LOL.

It's not fair, but people tend to make snap judgements about you based on the obvious things. For example, if you see a girl out to dinner with 5 different guys in one week, you'd probably think she was a ho. But she might be a matchmaker interviewing prospective clients, or maybe she just has a lot of guy friends. Ok, I'm going off on a tangent...time to dial it back.

So that said, I know if I met the guy version of me (plus a few more years - what with women maturing faster and all) and he'd never been in a serious, long-term relationship that would probably raise a red flag for me. I would seriously think something's wrong with him. I mean, what other reason would a single, handsome, educated man with a great personality, great job, no kids and a fantastic body have for not getting serious with at least one person in their life?

I'd probably think he was crazy, a pervert or some kinda stalker, and every minute I'd be waiting for the axe to fall. (I once shared a theory with Heather that "good catch" single people are all single because there's something wrong with them.)

So I was explaining all this to my friend Des, The Engineer. Funny thing is, when I think of engineers, I think of technical, analytical computer geeks, who can easily understand the personalities of lab rats, but have no clue how to deal with human relationships. But this is why I love Des; he's the best of both worlds: he can give you the analytical point of view, but he's also a hopeful romantic, so he'll give you realistic and romantic all in one generous helping. So Des doesn't think that being a certain age and not experienced a serious relationship should be red flag by itself. His explanation:

"Say I met you and we went out a couple of times. We enjoy each
other's company; we have 5-hour phone conversations that last into the wee hours of the morning, where neither of us want to hang up; and things are going great. After a month, we have this conversation and you tell me you've never been in a serious, long term relationship. I'd evaluate you as a person; I'd think about how you went away to college for 4 years - not the ideal time to build a serious relationship. I'd think about you starting a business when you got back to
the city; I'd think about how you've had the same job for a very long time -
and all that stuff wouldn't strike me as the makings of a crazy woman who's
flighty and not worthy of a commitment. So I'd just chalk it up to you not
meeting the right person who'll recognize all of that."

Talk about an ego boost! I couldn't stop smiling for hours afterwards. There was nothing wrong with me, dammit! I was fine, it was those blockheads who couldn't see the gem in me that had the problem. But in my usual extremist fashion, I took it and ran (far, far left field) with it, until one of my male coworkers brought me back close to center. His explanation:

"This never-in-a-relationship thing is a little like being a virgin. You have some people who salivate at the thought of being with a virgin and others who avoid them like the plague. If you're someone like me who's been in a couple long-term relationships, you really think twice about someone who hasn't had that experience. Do you want to be their first, knowing that there's a lot of shit they don't understand about being in a relationship, and are you willing to try (and invest a significant amount of your time and energy) with someone who may decide that they don't like the relationship thing after all? Or what if the reverse happens, the girl becomes my girlfriend and because this is her first real relationship she gets all attached and starts moving at a pace I'm not willing to commit to? I don't mean to be an asshole, but most women after a certain age - let's call it 30 - are looking to settle down, so when you meet a woman who's on the cusp of the that transitional stage who's never been in a relationship, all signs point to the exit."

Ouch. That took a little of the wind out of my sails after Des' positive, upbeat perspective!

I guess it really is different strokes for different folks. Hopefully, I'll find the guy who'll evaluate the total me....Des did say he's ready for marriage...hmmmm....

What say you? (or Email me your own dating dilemma)