Should I Take Her Back?

Mr. L, 30
Brooklyn, NY

Is it ever ok to take back a woman who's cheated on you?


Absolutely! If the dude who she cheated with (and whom she was probably flirting with for months before she actually cheated, cause women rarely just get up and bed some random dude) held a gun to her temple (or a knife to her throat - that's equally dangerous) and said, "Have an affair with me, or I'll kill you!", then you should definitely take her back.

But, in my opinion, a cheetah never changes her spots...no, wait, that's a leopard...well, you get the metaphor I was going for. Once someone cheats, I think they're more likely to cheat again. And that likelihood probably increases if you take them back, because then they'll know that they're in control.

I'll be honest...if I cheated on a dude and he took me back, I probably wouldn't respect him as much anymore. I dunno, I'd probably think, "Damn, he's so into me that he'll put up with my shit!" and I'd also think he was a bit of a pushover, because his actions would sorta tell me that I was in control, and that he was, for lack of a better word, my bitch...The only exception to this is we broke up and years later reconnected after we'd had a chance to learn and grow from our experience together.

Now don't get me wrong, while I'm all for dropping the cheating partner, I also think it takes a stronger person to take someone back after an infidelity and work to build back the relationship, than to just call it quits. But it also takes a lot of trust and faith that your S.O. won't do it again...and I simply don't have that much trust in another human being (yet) and probably would have even less after finding out I was cheated on.

Which brings me to the flip side...say your ex is really sorry for what she did and you take her back. Will you truly be able to forgive and forget, or will you always have a doubt in the back of your mind? I have this skill where when I'm arguing with someone, I can remember shit they told me on the 3rd Wednesday of April five years ago. I'm the Queen of Bringing Up Old Shit. And that's one of the reasons I know I wouldn't be good at trying to reconcile a relationship with a cheating partner...that shit would be in every argument...I just wouldn't be able to help myself.

So, when she's late coming home from work, will you check up on her to make sure she's really working? Or will you check her cell phones to see if she's stored any numbers (or any of the other shit that insecure people do to their partners)? If so, you run the risk of becoming the super-jealous, overbearing boyfriend, who's constantly accusing her of cheating because of that one incident.

She could really be one of people who cheat and the hurt and pain that their cheating caused is so unbearable that they won't ever do it again...or she could also be one of the once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater kind...Question is, do you want to take that chance?

My advice, let it go...if she was really that into you, she could've asked you to take a break, tell you how she was feeling, or run away to New Mexico, pretend to be kidnapped and have a whole county out looking for her...anything but cheat. Fact is, she didn't care about you enough to not cheat. If it's meant to be, somehow it'll happen down the road, but for right now, tell chica to keep it movin'...

P.S. There is always a lesson to be learned from infidelity in relationships...she was wrong for cheating, but ask yourself what might have done (or not done) that contributed to her straying. Don't blame yourself, but take that lesson into your next relationship - just the lesson, not the feelings of betrayal and bitterness; last thing another woman needs to pay for your trifling ex's mistakes...LOL.

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