The Second...Or The Third...Er, Make That The Fourth Time Around
Anonymous, 27
The Big Apple
I have been dating for a long time now. When I 18 I met a boy. He was the most wonderful boy that you ever did see (lol). I was all ready for marriage and the family life, straight after high school if need be, but he was not. Needless to say we broke up a year or so later and of course, just as luck would have it, we got back together. This time he was the one that was ready for marriage and the family life and I was not. And yet again, we broke up. Now we are back together and I feel like I am ready and I don't think he is. I think he has a little while before he will be totally ready to commit and I am not sure if I want to wait around for him. I just think that we will never be on the same page. We have come this far, should I just give it one last try or say to hell with it all?
Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee. Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen. See where I'm going with this? These on-again off-again relationships are a little like video games: addictive, yet you're never really sure they serve any other purpose except to make you feel good for a little while. (I actually do put some thought into the pictures I use, y'know.) Say you're playing the same game over and over again. One of two things will happen:
- You'll get so good at it that you'll learn all the nuances and tricks, and you'll master the game, and it'll be your game. No one will be able to beat you at that game, because you've been playing it for so long. You'll be known the world over as the bestest player for that game, ever!! (Ok, I'm getting a little carried away) OR
- You'll get so good at the game that you'll learn all the nuances and tricks, and you'll become bored with it. But you'll keep playing, because it's the only game you know and you're good at.
Now welcome to Cliche City: if it's meant to be, it'll happen - when it's time. I'll use the advice I gave to Deborah the other day. You should never let time be the deciding factor on whether you stay with someone. Yes, you've come this far, but think how much farther you'll have to go if you continue down a path that won't get you what you need. And that's what it all boils down to: are your needs being met? You're ready to settle down and get married; he is not. You might love each other to death, but if you don't want the same things, then really, what's the point? You said you weren't sure you wanted to wait for him to get to where you are, but if you do decide to wait, how long are you willing to wait? Is there a timetable? Four months? A year? What if he never gets to that point again, and is with you because you are his comfort zone?
And what if he says he's ready? Are you sure you're with him for the right reasons? Obviously there's love on both sides, but if you've both broken up and gotten back together so many times, maybe you may also be feeling comfortable with him as well. Sometimes love isn't enough to make it work. What's changed since the last time that makes you sure you can transition from a relationship into a marriage?
Have a talk! Find out what (in general) he sees in his future for the next couple of years, and where you fit in. Find out how he feels about marriage, his timetable for marriage, and his thoughts on what needs to change in your relationship to make it a successful transition. You also need to take stock of what you want out of life (in general) and marriage. What if he has a personal goal that will affect how your marriage will be (for example, if he decides to go to Iraq or some other shit like that)? Will that change you wanting to get married to him? Or what if you have goals that you want to accomplish and he thinks you should be home with your feet up after you get married, will that fly with you? If - after you've had the Talk - "ne'er the twain shall meet", then maybe you should be looking for someone whose needs and future plans are more aligned to yours.
Be sure to invite me to your Big Phat Brooklyn Wedding! (Sometimes my wit just astounds me!)
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Labels: Reader's Questions
posted by SimplEnigma @ 11:34 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
We have been talking, and thats the problem. Although he says that he is ready for this type of relationship I am just afraid that it will turn into another set of on again off agains. I dont know if its because I just really like to assume the worst so that I would not be dissapointed, or if it is I really feel like this...needless to say, I am soooooo in slow motion nowadays, like I am in limbo, i swear everyday I am like - Will you just pick a damn side already! - And you can kiss that BIG PHAT BROOKLYN WEDDING goodbye, unless you want to be a witness at the justice of the peace!
Actions speak louder than words. He's saying he's ready for marriage, but what is he doing to support that? Is he just responding when you broach the subject, or is he actively starting the discussion as well?
Try to keep a positive outlook and not think negatively about the outcome before it happens. But also try to be realistic. Set up some goals and milestones for yourself on when you're going to deploy your parachute if he keeps saying, but not doing.
(That doesn't mean to pressure him into making a decision or giving him an ultimatum, because those never work either. But just make a personal gauge of how long you're gonna wait, and when that time has expired, just let it go).
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