Givin' It Up On The First Date

Jaded, New York

Hey SE,
I need your help with something. I met a guy at a party one night. We hit it off and exchanged numbers. A few days later he called to invite me out on a date. We had a good time and a lot in common. The chemistry was unbelievable. When he dropped me home, I invited him in and we ended up having sex.

The next morning, everything was great. We stayed in bed until midday and then he had to leave. He called me that night to tell me he had a great time...and I haven't heard from him since. It's been almost a week and a half.

I feel like he played me, and now I'm really pissed off. When we went out, he really gave me the impression that he was looking for something more than just sex. Should I call him? Is sex on the first date an automatic dealbreaker for guys?


LOL...When did you go from being predator to prey? You felt chemistry with dude; you invited him up to your apartment; you decided to have sex with him of your own free will. How could he possibly have played you? You're killin' me...

• You're not a victim; he just went along with your lead. You're making it seem like he just took advantage of you and you had no say in the matter.
• Unless your phone bill is unpaid, I'm sure it makes outgoing calls. You said he called you that evening; I'm not sure where the conversation left off, but you can call too. To my first point, you took the lead by inviting him up and deciding how far your first liaison would go...why all of a sudden drop into the background and just expect him to know that he's supposed to assume the lead?
• First date sex a dealbreaker? I dunno if all guys feel that way; I guess it would depend on the dude in question. I don't really believe in all those rules about what you can and can't do on the first date; I'm a firm believer in going with your gut.

That said, the philosophy I adopt in my personal life is a little backwards: the more I like a dude, the longer it'll take me to get physical with him. I think that sex changes the nature of an interraction, so if I really like dude, I want him to get to know me as a person before I have sex with him. If I'm just interested him superficially, then it's less important whether he gets to know me as a person. LOL. Believe me, this approach is totally rational in my head.

So what should you do?

1. I assume you really like this guy, so your first step is to call him. Don't get caught up in the stupid bullshit games about who should call, when.
2. Ask him out on a date. If he accepts, then it's a step in the right direction. (He could be accepting because he thinks he'll get more sex out of it, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it).
3. On the date, make your intentions clear. Let him know you really like him and you want to get to know him better - not just on a physical level - and leave the ball in his court.
   
4. Don't have sex with him on this date. Some might see this as sending mixed signals, but I don't think so, especially if you've done #3. I think it's a good chance to get to know him better. Besides, his response after Date 2 will let you know if he's interested in getting to know you on a non-physical level.

So what if he doesn't call? If you call him and he doesn't return your call (or he doesn't call after Date 2 - remember, the ball's in his court), then chalk it up to a wonderful experience with a good guy and move on...he's just not that into you.

Speaking of dealbreakers, I ran into Slim Shady recently...