The Grass Is Always Greener?

hey there!

just found your blog this week - and i'm enjoying catching up on reading your past posts!

here's my situation (and pleaaaaaaase keep my name confidential - especially the surname!)

i have a great BF, who moved in 6 months ago. But the long-term goals/values aren't meshing. Trouble is: he's my FIRST guy to ever treat me with respect, equality, etc. He is the ideal husband/father/long-term partner. Except that he wants the life-in-the-suburbs while I'm more a discover-the-world kind of gal. Plus I have a dear friend (who I dated previously) who I recently saw after a 1 year absence. And we agreed we would like to date each other. No promises, no unrealistic expectations. But we have similar lifestyle/goals.

HELP! I know this falls under the category of "tough decisions" and I'm definitely a woman-who-doesn't-need-a-man. Right now I'm 98% sure I've gotta break the hard news to the nice BF. But a bit of advice from a dating-veteran is always welcome!

thanks a million,
T

First off, I have to majorly disagree with you on one thing - and I kinda learned this the hard way: unless you're a lesbian, every woman needs a man...maybe not to pay your bills, support you financially, or even do some of those "manly" things, but there is always a point where a heterosexual woman needs the companionship and energy that only a man can provide. I must admit I'm not too happy with their gender right now, but we women have to stop with the "I don't need 'em" attitude.

So now to your problem at hand...I don't think happy, fulfilled people entertain "possibilities" conversation with their "dear friends". There was something missing in your relationship that allowed this conversation to happen with the dear friend who you dated.

Some people will tell you that it's ok to date someone you're not compatible with, and that the fire will come later..I'm not into fungus relationships. I think you should start with what you want and that you can have a dude who's nice AND who you're compatible with. At the same time, I don't think you have to be completely compatible with a dude to see long-term possibility. You said he'd be the ideal father, husband, etc., so obviously you're compatible enough to want to have a lifetime bond with him. If he's compatible enough for forever, then things like travel the world vs. stay in the suburbs can be compromises you work on.

But say you decide that Mr. Nice BF is not the one for you, that should be a decision that you come to independently, not after having a discussion with your dear friend who you dated. And might I add that despite how dear he is, you stopped dating him for a reason. I dunno what that reason is, but funny enough you don't mention anything about Dear Friend being good long-term. And even though you dated him, you still say Mr. Nice BF is the first guy to treat you with respect and equality.

My take: seems like you're basing your decision to dump Nice BF based on conversation with Dear Friend. I don't think it's fair to NBF. Make a list of the must-haves in a relationship, and the compromisable (I just made that up) stuff and base your decision to be with NBF on that. Either way, don't get into anything with Dear Friend anytime soon. You went there before and it didn't work, and frankly, I don't think a year is enough time for anyone to change that dramatically unless it's all superficial stuff like bigger boobs, face lift, etc.

You see this goat in the picture? Funny thing, the grass inside the pen is actually greener, but the goat is still tryna break his neck to get at that outside grass.

Don't be like the goat...

P.S. If you still decide to break up with Nice BF, you might wanna read this first.